My Most Hot And Steamy Post Ever

I can't believe that the end of Febuary was the last time I posted.  But, I have an excuse... I haven't had "real" internet for a few months.  That issue is now taken care of, so now I can update you on my HOT and STEAMY love life.

 Wow, this will be my shortest post ever.

Pondering The Mile Markers

As the month of March is almost here, there are a lot of mile markers that are headed my way.  I have been pondering them and how I will respond as each one passes.

The first one that has actually already passed was Valentine's Day.  

Feb 14, 2006 - "If you want that trash can, you can have it for your Valentine's gift." - said my now ex.  That was the last time I ever received a "gift" for Valentine's.
Feb 14, 2010- My ex and I went out to dinner.  It was nothing short of awkward.  We didn't really have anything to say to one another.  We went home after dinner, I watched TV, he played xbox. 
Feb 14, 2011- I cried.  I didn't know how I was going to go on living.  I wanted to die.   He was having sex with another woman and still refused to file for divorce. 

For awhile, I thought this year was going to be hard.  But it wasn't at all.  For the first time in years, I didn't have someone to disappoint me, so I had no expectations. 

I won't lie, I have downplayed Valentine's Day for most of my life.  I always acted like it wasn't important to me, when deep down, I was always hoping that someone would plan that fairytale romantic date.  But I guess I did it to myself.  Anyone who has read The Secret knows this.  For some stupid reason, I never felt deserving of a man who would romance me, so ultimately, I acted like I didn't care about it so that I would never be disappointed when I didn't receive any.

That will not happen again.
I AM worthy of a man who adores me.  I AM worthy of a man who will take me on weekend trips, or overnight to a hotel.  I am not a fan of roses (everybody gets roses), but I am worthy of a man who randomly picks up flowers, just because he thinks I deserve them.  And for sure, I am worthy of a man who wants to have sex with me and ONLY me.

Speaking of.....The next mile marker...SEX
March 6, 2010 -  the last time I had sex.  It was horrible.  Even got in a fight in the middle of it.

2 years... ugh!  Back in 2005, we went 7 months without sex.  I thought THAT was a long time.  How am I handling this... well, I am in my 30's.  That is when women hit their sexual peak.  Not gonna lie... I'm going crazy!  And to all the non-LDS readers,  I know what you are probably thinking...Yes, I am a grown adult.  Yes, I can do what I want.  And I am.  I still believe in saving sex for marriage, and even if it means, never having sex again, I will continue to wait until I am married. 

March 6 falls on a Tuesday this year.  I will go to the gym, run 5 miles, drool over the guy at the gym with brown hair, blue eyes and tons of tattoos, and then go home and take a cold shower.

Next mile marker,
March 17, 2011- I went to the Flogging Molly concert.  Doesn't seem like much to other people, but to me, it was a big deal.  I was finally doing something for me.  Something that I loved doing.  Before I was married, I use to go to concerts all the time.  But doing things that I loved doing, all stopped when I got married.  It became about him.  Supporting him and his goals. Going to that concert was like breaking free from what had been holding me down.  I did what I wanted to do for once and it felt great!  And even if the guy who offered to kiss me was drunk and fugly, it still made me feel good that someone offered.  And NO, I didn't kiss him....thanks to my friends.
This year, on St. Patty's Day, well a tradition has been born.  Once again, I will wear my Kiss Me I'm Irish shirt and I will go to the Flogging Molly concert.  And who knows....

Next,
March 23, 2010- the day he said he wanted a divorce.  PANIC!  My world as I knew it ended.  I didn't sleep that night.  I hyperventilated the entire night.
March 23, 2011 -  That's it.  I waited a year.  I gave him a year to change his mind.  I went to counseling for months.  I gave him  more than several opportunities to be forgiven, some of which he asked for.  I lost butt loads of weight (not that that part should have mattered, but it did to me.)  I knew I had done all that I could on my part.  A weight lifted off my shoulders.  I knew, the next day I would call an attorney and I was going to be OK.

And I am OK.  Even though I went through hell,  early on, Heavenly Father had told me, clear as day,   that I was going to be OK.  I was scared at times and because of that, I didn't always have complete faith in the answer I had been given, but I tried to hold on to it, basically because it was all I had to hold on to.

March 23, this year is a Friday.  I have no clue how I will spend it or who I will spend it with, but I'm not scared, or worried, or even sad.  What I am... is excited to see what my future holds for me.

One last thing....
I have been trying to smile at this guy who goes to my gym, but THAT is scary.  One of my guy friends, suggested to me, that I say to him, "My boobs are really heavy, would you help me carry them?"
I mentioned this idea to my friend Jen.  Her response, was first laughter, and then she said, "I can't wait to see who you end up with." 
I feel the same way.

Screw Romeo, I Got Someone Better In Mind

I have to start off first and give some credit to another blogger that I follow, that is in a similar situation as me.  She inspired me to think about the things that I am going to share.  Not sure if she reads my blog, but if she does, she will know I'm referring to her. 

Far to often, when I read the scriptures, I am reading them, just to read them.  Because it is what I have been taught to do.  There are times, when I read them, that I am looking for guidance, but my mind is to busy thinking about the other stresses of life and I just end up skimming over the words and not actually retaining anything, or growing in understanding.  But there are also times, when I read the words on the page, and a verse becomes my answer.  It is like Heavenly Father inspired someone to write those words just for me, because he knew that on that very day, I would pick up my scriptures, and find the answer to my problem, right in front of my face.

My most recent experience like this, happened just yesterday.  And honestly, I have voiced this to Heavenly Father, but not as an actual question. 

I have been constantly pondering, what are the qualities that I truly desire to have in a husband and in a man who is to be the head of my family.

When my divorce was first finalized, I was craving attention and affection so bad, that I didn't really concern myself with spending the time to consider if the guy I was interested in was actually marriage material.  I have had time to think about the things that I truly want and need.  As I was reading my scriptures yesterday, one man stood out to me.

That man is Moroni.                       

In the Book of Mormon, Alma 48:11-13, Mormon describes the kind of man Moroni is.  As I was reading this, a light bulb went off.  This is it.  These are the things that I need to look for in a man that is right for me and my daughters.  I read those verses, again, several times, and KNEW, these are the qualities that need to come first.

Here are the things listed.

Moroni was :

• a strong and mighty man
• a man of perfect understanding
• a man that did not delight in bloodshed
• a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country
• a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God
• a man who did labor exceedingly for the welfare and safety of his people
• a man who was firm in the faith of Christ 

To some, that might seem like an awful tall order, and at one time in my life, I did not believe that I deserved such a man.  Well now I know, I DO.   I believe that if Heavenly Father wants me to look for these qualities in a man, he will lead me to him, or him to me.

There are other qualities that are important to me, like

• a man who makes me laugh
• a man who is comfortable with public affection.  I mean, we don't have to have sex in public, (that is up for discussion though,) but hold will my hand and not be afraid or ashamed to kiss me in front of others. 
•  a man who makes time for family.  It's one thing to say your family is important, it's another to actually show it and live it.

Heavenly Father suggested 7 qualities, and I added 3 additional of my own.  That is 10.  How perfect is that? 
There are other, lesser, qualities that I wouldn't mind, but when I think about it, they all seem like they fit under one of those already listed.

So, while I wait to meet, "MY"  Moroni, I will continue to work on improving myself and making myself the best I can be, so that when we do finally meet, he will see that I have the qualities, that he has been looking for in a woman that he wants for his Mrs. Moroni.

It's A Guy Thing

A while back, I was talking to a friend, and I had asked him if he read my blog.  At the time, I was mostly curious to know if he had read it, because, he was the guy that I had met at the grocery with my kids in tow.  His response to me was, "Guys don't read blogs."  I don't believe that to be completely true.  But I think I would change that statement to, MOST  guys don't read blogs.  Or actually I think it is more like, most guys don't read blogs about middle aged divorced women who are back in the dating field, (and keep screwing up.)

But the funny thing is, every once in a while, some guy makes it known to me that they do read it.

I was visiting with a friend tonight, and her husband brought it to my attention that his wife shares EVERYTHING with him.  (I remember those days, laying in bed with my husband, and talking about eveything and everyone.  That one special person, that you could confide everything in.  I do miss that.)  I don't remember excactly what he said, but something about how I was inappropriate or something. 

 I'm sure this was brought on, by the fact that as I was walking into his house, I was mentioning to my other friend, who was with me, that turkeys don't have a penis.  They just have a sperm sack that they rub on the female.  (A fact I just learned around Thanksgiving time, thanks to my friend Aubrey.  She is so smart, that one.)    I swear there was a NON-dirty reason we were having this conversation, but that is another story.   Anyway,  he made a comment about how he read my blog, I think his wife makes him read it, actually, but still, I got a little excited.  Then he started making fun of me, about how I give up online dating and then go back to it.  I told him, I had given it up for good, but still have a few unshared stories that I have saved for when I feel the need to blog, yet have nothing to actually blog about.  Which seems to be the story of my life lately.

After I left, I started to think about some of the absurd things I blog about.   Men who read this, must think I am CRAZY, but let me just say, there are so many woman out there, that think just like me.   I am just willing to admit all the craziness that happens.  Wether, it's my hopes, dreams, fears, doubts, or stupid mistakes, I am willing to share them all.  You get what you see, with me.

Someone once asked me, "What if someone you are dating reads your blog?" 
Well, I guess he would know what he is instore for, and if he can't handle my blog, then he shouldn't date me in the first place.  But let me remind you, I did not blog about the last relationship, while I was in it.

My blog could be very useful to a guy who actually wanted to date me, assuming that there is anyone left who wants to.  If a guy wasn't sure about how to take me, or if certin things were ok to try or do on a date, he could just refer to the blog. 

Here are some examples-

Q:  What should I wear on a date with her?  (And yes, I know some guys who think about this.)
A:  Well, if you want to make me swoon, a comfy red t-shirt, jeans, thongs, and if it's cool out, a hoodie.
             (and when I say thongs, I don't mean the kind that goes up you butt crack, I'm talking between your toes!)
       But, really, anything casual works.  I do love to get dressed up on Sundays, for church, and that's about 
      it.

Q: Would she enjoy ballroom dancing on our date.
A: HELL to the NO!

Q: I know she likes me, should I hold her hand in public?
A: YES!  If you don't want people to know you are dating me, then, don't date me.  Simple.

Q:  I know she likes me and I like her, should I kiss her?
A: What are you waiting for?

Q:  Does this girl know that she offers up TMI?
A:  Yes, I know, and I am almost sorry... but not really.



Oh, one more thing, if you have ever wondered, what happened to the guy that I met in the grocery store, refer back to the first sentence of the blog.

First Things First

I am totally in the mood to blog.

I want to share with you the funniest story about a date that I went on, that went totally wrong...but I can't because, that would  mean that I actually went on a date recently. 

I thought about sharing my first real date, after my divorce was final.  But, nothing funny happened.  It was just a nice date.  And that's all it ended up being, one date.  And that's OK.

I was thinking about sharing my first date with The Chad, or the time The Chad and I took all 7 of our kids out to eat at a restaurant, but my emotions are still to raw.

I would love to tell you about some cute guy that I am emailing and hoping to meet soon, but I am totally over online dating.

I wish I could tell you about the guy that my friend tried to set me up with, but when I contacted him, he never responded.

I was hoping  I could tell you that the guy I hung out with a few weeks ago was an amazing kisser, but he never made a move.

Sadly, I can't tell you that I got kissed  at midnight on New Year's, because the guy who promised he would, showed his true colors and decided instead to let me know that he was hoping to bring in the new year with a good "bang", with someone else.

It would be fun if I could tell you that I had the nerve to ask a crush to be my date at a wedding I just went to, but I'm a chicken.

This is what I can say.

I may not be in a relationship now, but I have these things to look forward to:

• Getting asked out on a date, and remaining calm until I am no longer in contact with that person and then calling my best friends, and screaming with excitement.
•  Getting all excited and nervous, changing my clothes 20 times, while I get ready for that first date.
• Having butterflies all night, wondering if he is going to kiss me, even though I promised myself I wouldn't kiss him on the first date.
• That euphoric feeling  I get when I kiss someone I really like for the first time.
• When the right guy puts his arms around me, I melt my head onto his chest, and then he kisses the top of my head.
• When the man I am dating, holds my hand in public and intoduces me as his girlfriend.
• Introducing him to my friends, and having them smile and give thumbs up when he's not looking.

 I could go on with so many more, but these are just the first steps.  Of course, the time will come when I will say

But, first things first!

2012 - Starting It Off Right

The years 2010, and 2011, had to be the worst years of my life.  My whole world came crashing down around me.  There were moments, that I thought that I wouldn't be able to go on living for another day.

At the same time, I grew (and shrunk, thank heavens!) by leaps and bounds.  I found  a new strength within me that I never knew I had.

I am finally at a point in my life, where I can say that I truly love myself.  I have finally realized that I am an amazing woman.
 I am more comfortable in my skin than I have ever been, well.... with the exception of the 15 or so pounds I have put on over the holidays.  But that doesn't bother me now that much, in fact, I pretty much had a Live It Up! attitude from October on.  I have the knowledge, the means, the desire and most of all the support to get back to my goal weight that I was at during summer.

I have accepted my 'lack of a filter', as one of the things people love about me.  And while at times I try to improve on what flows out my mouth and should get filed as TMI, I really don't give a poop what people think about me.  And even if people don't like my potty humor, or filthy mouth, there seems to be enough other things that they find endearing about me to want to keep me around. 

One thing is for sure, I have no shortage of family and friends who constantly show me they love me and support me.

New Years Eve 2011, pretty much SUCKED BALLS! (Please read that correctly, it was not ME sucking balls.)  Wanting the person who hurt my feelings to know this, I posted it on Facebook. That is not normally how I roll, (with a few exceptions, I don't claim to be perfect by any means).  Within minutes, I had multitudes of friends texting me, with words of encouragement.  The best of all, though, came at 2:18am.  It was a friend sending me a picture text of a mistake she made on Facebook, I think due to the auto correct on her phone.   During the course of our conversation, for whatever random reason, I brought up a story that had us both laughing hysterically.  At least I assume she was...   Let me share it with you.

Go back a few years, to when I actually slept in bed with someone else.  I was in bed next to that guy that I use to be married to, it was the middle of the night.  He was in a dead sleep.  For whatever random reason, I thought to myself, wouldn't it be funny if he farted in his sleep.  Then HE DID!  It was like I commanded him to do it with my mind power! I started laughing, bed shaking laughter!  The kind that hurts, you can't breathe.  It woke him up.  He asked what was so funny... I was laughing so hard, it probably took me 5 minutes to get out what had just occurred.  He did not think this was funny at all.  I tried to stop laughing, but every time I did, I would think about it again, and I would start up all over.  I got kicked out of the room that night.  There were many nights that followed, all I would do, was think about the incident, and BAM, laughing my butt off again.

The point of my story, is this.
 2011 ended really crappy.
2012 began with me laughing .  That is my favorite thing to do.  What better way to start the new year, than with laughter.

So, if you should ever need a good laugh.  Just listen, in the dead of night, for the person sleeping next to you (should you be that lucky), to pass some gas, and I promise, after reading this... you won't be able to not laugh. (Power of suggestion!  It's my mind power!)

I do think I got way off track from where I started to go with this blog... but it just feels like a good place to end.

Dating Was So Much Easier In High School

Way back when I was in high school, I would either date a guy until I got bored of him, or until he cheated on me.   They were all short relationships, frankly, I don't think any of them lasted more than 2 or 3 months.  When they ended, I wouldn't take long to move on to my next crush.

That was then.

I got married less than 2 years after I graduated high school.  In that in between time, I only had relationships with 3 guys.

The first one was Mike. 

He would totally make me laugh at church dances, with his moves.  I thought he was joking around, and then I found out he was serious about his moves.  He really thought he was a good dancer, but honestly if I tried to describe his moves, well these guys come to mind. 

We didn't date very long at all, probably, like my previous relationships,

only about 2 months or so.

Second was Brian.  I thought he was "the one".  We never discussed it,

but, I just KNEW we were going to get married.  I started dating him

pretty soon after he returned from his mission.  We dated on and off for about 4 months.  Well, I was always "on", it was him who couldn't make up his mind.  But I was patient and waited.   Like I said, I just knew we would end up together.  Then, he got accepted to BYU.  So, in my mind, I was going to move up to Utah, move in with some family, so we could be together while he went to school.  He had different plans, cause he broke up with me months before he was even suppose to leave,  I was devastated.  I thought my world was going to end.

4 days later, the man that I ended up with for the next 13/14 years, asked me out for our first date.

Fast forward to now...

Since my divorce, I have had

-1 NCMO ( Non Committal Make Out)

-2 First Dates Only

and

-1 Boyfriend of 3 months

A bunch of my friends referred to my boyfriend as, The Chad.  I think it was my friend, Sarah, who started it, and it caught on.  Even my kids started calling him that.  My phone would ring, (poor guy, I set his ring tone to Sexy And I Know It, by LMFAO) and my kids would yell "It's The Chad!"  and start giggling like crazy.

I met him online, we emailed for about a week, and then one night he mentioned that he would like to take me out sometime. I gave him my number and then we started talking on the phone.  We talked for about a week before we went on our first date, (which is a whole other story or blog entry in it's self.)  We both had a mind set, that we just wanted to meet someone to date, and have fun with, NOT to have an actual relationship.  But, it didn't happen that way.  In the beginning, I had opportunities to date other people, but I only wanted to spend time with him.  We lived over an hour away from each other, and gas is stinking expensive, but to spend time with him, was well worth the sacrifice. 

I loved spending time with him.  I loved spending time with his kids.  I loved when we would get together with all 7 of our kids.  We would have so much fun, all 9 of us.  I  never knew that I wanted a big family... but those were some of my favorite moments with him...bobbing for apples, watching the kids play at the park, going out to eat and getting tons of nosey people staring at us and asking random dumb questions, and playing keep-away in the front yard.  

And I loved kissing him.  Let me take a second to daydream about that .... ... ... ...... and I'm back.  Even 3 months in, one of the last times I kissed him, my heart started racing and I got butterflies in my stomach.  I loved to just melt in his arms and have him hold me.

So you are probably wanting to know why it ended, with so much that was right, what went wrong.  Well, here's where dating (grown up dating) gets complicated, when it boiled down to it, we just had different goals.  Different directions that we wanted to to take our lives in.  Because of those different end goals, I knew that we would probably not end up getting married later on down the line.  Unless, that is, if one of us was willing to change, and we are both set in our ways.  It is not fair to be in a relationship where someone is hoping the other will change.  It was so hard for me to accept this.  I fought it for a long time, telling myself that we could make it work.   But I had to be honest and realise that our goals were just to different.  I have never broken off a relationship with someone that I stilled adored.  It broke my heart.  But I knew that I would only get more attached if I didn't.

It's only been a few days, since I broke it off.  And yes, I am sad, but I have been through much worse heartache over the past 2 years.  I will be fine and move on.  And I promise to continue to share my experiences along the way.

The Chad and Me