No Chicken Feet, This Woman Is Crazy

I was on the way to meet ****, who I met online, for a lunch date.  As I was pumping gas into my car, I looked down at my shirt and noticed a tiny little whole just below the V in the v-neck.  It looked totally tacky.  I had already changed my clothes 5 times, and settled on an outfit I was less than happy with because I wanted to wear a black shirt in case I got a sweaty back or armpits.  Come on, it's August in Arizona and I was way nervous, better to be safe than sorry.  I also noticed tons of blond hair all over my shirt.  My dad had just recently told me that I needed to stop shedding if I ever wanted guys to ask me out on dates, so I got totally self conscience about that too.  I thought to myself, that it was so small he probably wouldn't notice it, but than I realized that he would because he is a man and it was on my chest.  I have learned, no matter how decent a man is, he ALWAYS looks at your chest.  I'm gonna go as far as to say, it's a fact. 

I really wanted to run into a store and and grab a new shirt, but I knew I just didn't have the time.  To make matters worse, I noticed that 2 of my newly painted finger nails were all messed up and I had missed a spot on my knee while shaving.  I was a walking disaster.  After a year, I still really suck at dating. 
There was only one thing that was allowing me to keep it together and not give up hope.  There was going to be no pressure on this date.  That's right, NO PRESSURE!

Prior to the planning of this date, while **** and I were getting to know each other via email and text, it some how came out that I had a blog and what it generally was about.  One night he asked if he could read it.  This is another one of my rules, I don't want guys I am dating or might date reading my blog.  It makes it complicated. I almost always have to take a break from blogging, until that relationship is over.  But once again, how many of my own rules do I break?  I really should stop making rules, they do me no good. 

For whatever reason, I agreed to give him my blog address.  Over the next day or so, he would randomly send me a text, mentioning something in my blog.  From what I could gather, at least he thought I was funny. He did say I was an excellent blogger, which totally made my night.   Then I get a text that says - No matter what happens, I think we would be friends for sure.  not quite sure if I am as open as you though.    OK , so here's the problem that I am NOW having... I mean right NOW as I type this out!  I remember the text message saying something else, and right NOW when I went to copy it down, I realized I had thought it said something else.  At the time, I kept thinking that the text message said, You are way too open for me, but I would still like to be friends.

People!  Do you see the difference?  That would have changed everything!!! The way I acted, what I was wearing, how much cleavage I would have shown....   I am NOW banging my head against the wall (literally) because, I totally made a comment at the end of the date that referred to that text.  NO WONDER HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS CRAZY!!!!!

I'm so flustered about this realization, that I  can't even concentrate and finish typing to blog.  I think this is truly a sign that I should give up dating forever, or just stop talking and pretend to be a mute.... some men like that, right?

After a quick shot of liquid courage, for us LDS folk, that comes in the form Dr. Pepper, I am ready to carry on, even though, much less focused.

Needless to say, after what I THOUGHT the text said, I was shocked when he suggested meeting for Chinese food.  I really thought it was a blow off comment, but alrighty, that just made it less pressure.

I arrived at the restaurant he picked out.  He stepped outside the door and guess what the man was wearing.  I don't even have to tell my loyal blog readers, but for newbies or  band wagoners (either way, you are all welcomed here to mock me and be entertained...)  I will tell you.  A red shirt and thongs!  I thought to myself, I know he didn't wear that red shirt just for me...and dang he looks cute!  His pictures online did not do him justice.  I could tell from his pictures that he was a good looking dude, but he was even better in person. Wahoo!  But then again... what did this matter, I was already under the impression that I was just friend material to him.

Lunch went good... I think.  We had plenty yo talk about.  I was still nervous the whole time, and he commented that he could tell I was nervous.  Damn, I really suck at the part.  He seemed totally relaxed the whole time.  We had Dim Sum, which was interesting, because I had always ordered off a menu before.  I had no idea what we picked, except we both said no to the chicken feet.  One waitress said, "I know what you like.  You like BBQ pork and egg roll, I can tell." and then she laughed at us.   I think she was making fun of us.

During the 3 hours that we sat there talking, I couldn't stop staring at his eyes.  Not to sound old fashioned, but I would seriously describe them as dreamy.  I mentioned to him, not that they were dreamy, sheeesh, but that I liked them.  That's when he said something about my tank top and my eyes.  OH CRAP!  That must mean that he noticed the whole in my shirt.  I told him when, I noticed it, and that I didn't have time to change it.  I told him what I had thought, about hoping he wouldn't notice it, but then realizing, he is a man and of course he would look at my chest.... that's what men do.  I think he laughed, or smiled, I don't remember.  Half an hour later, he said, "I still don't see the hole."  See!  That's what men do.

I always manage to make an ass out of myself and say something dumb, or stick my foot in my mouth.  As we were walking out, I handed him a stick of gum.  He said, "My breath must really stink."  And like a dork, I responded, "I don't know, I wasn't going to try to kiss you."  What?   Who says that?   Why would I say that?  Really, I should just be mute on dates.  And to make it worse, as he walked me to the car, I thanked him for lunch and said , "You made it easy by taking the pressure off when you said that I was way too open for you but you still  would like to be friends."
And as I mentioned before, he got this look on his face, which at the time, I thought he was thinking something completely different, but now, I know was thinking,
"This woman is crazy!"

Eww! And Gross!

If you are in the market to date, and have the opportunity to meet people and go on dates without going online to meet them, I highly recommend you stay clear of online dating sites.  I unfortunately, do not have this luxury.  So I get to be the guninea pig for for all singles out there who want to know what it's like out there.  And frankly, I have no problem doing it, because it provides me with hilarious stories, even if it is at my own expense.

I have encountered so many different types of people online.  Some turn out to be people that will be life long friends. Some I end up dating.  Some I go on one date, and we know we are not compatible, but know someone who might be good for the other.  There are some that I talk to , and eventually change their name in my phone to read, DO NOT ANSWER.  There are about 5 or 6 of those.  There are some, that are ridiculously good looking, but I am not interested in them, because I know that we have nothing in common, and they are outright shocked when they ask me out and I turn them down.  Those ones refuse to take no for an answer.  Then there are the ones that make me want to quit online dating... and I have several times.  (But I always seem to find my way back.)

Charlie, is an example of someone really good looking but we have nada, zip, zero in common.

Charlie's first email to me read this... and ONLY this.

When are we going out?

To which I responded: I don't know you, I'm not just gonna go out with you.

C: Sooooo, give me your number and we can text.
Me: I don't know you.  I'm not giving you my number.  Plus, I don't want you sending me dirty pictures.
C: I'm not that kind of guy.... unless you want me to be.  Sooo, you ever go out to dance?

I stopped responding at that point.
Next day-
C:  Can we go out Wednesday?
Me: I am the mother of 3, I cannot go out on a Wednesday.  My kids need help with their homework.
C:  Help, then when can we go out?
Me: Where would we go? What would we do?
C: We could go to a bar in Scottsdale.
Me:  I don't drink, so a bar would be bad.

By now you would think he would get the hint.  There is no way I am his type!  I don't dance, I don't drink, I am a mom, And lastly... I don't go to Scottsdale.  For people who don't live in Arizona, Scottsdale is known here as Snottsdale, or Snobsdale... or Douchbagville, as I like to call it.

So, he stopped responding, or so I thought until I got an email from him the next morning.

C:  Well then, you choose.  Where do you want to go?

I have not responded yet.  I don't want to be mean, he hasn't been rude and frankly it has been flattering, which is why I haven't blocked him yet.

So here's the fun part.  I want your help.  What should my next response to him be?  Leave it in the comment section, or for those of you who can't, (I have had people mention they couldn't)  you can send me private message on Facebook. I will post the best responses and then choose one.


I do need to share one example of why people may not want to try online dating. 
Warning - If you do not watch rated R movies, you may not want to continue reading, so stop now. 

For those of you still reading, shhhhhhhh, don't tell the others, but you are my favorites!

I was online, my first 5 minutes after creating a profile on a new site.  A chat window pops up and reads, "Blah blah blah wants to chat with you."  Then you can click - yes or no.  Something told me no, but I ignored it.  My bad.  I opened the chat window and it read, "You are sexy and beautiful, can I cum on the webcam for you?"   AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  NOOOOO!  I didn't even respond, I just shut the window and blocked that user from ever contacting me again. 

Annnndddd, I'm just gonna leave you with that thought.  Have a happy day!

I Swear I Am Not A Stalker

I have a bunch of random tid bits to share and post, but I don't think they all fit in the same post.  If I did,   it would turn into a long, drawn out post that jumped all over the place.. and I would never do that, right? (wink, wink)

I'm just gonna jump right in to one that might be the freshest in your minds... Blue Eyes.

I joined, not one , but two new  (new to me) online dating sites.  Yes, I broke my own rules once again, and ya, I apparently love torture.  (No, not the kinky kind.... well, maybe, but I'm not gonna talk about that know.) 

I was browsing through the local goods, (and yes I did just objectify men, why not? They do it to us all the time.)   and who appears before my very eyes , but Blue Eyes himself! I started freaking out and I'm sure I probably squealed out loud.

Let me just say, to all you who love to accuse me of being a stalker, I have gotten rid of all the ropes and chains in my house and it is not my fault that he is on this site in a glorious tight, white wife beater tank top that shows his firm, luscious, smooth, strong, bulging... (ok, gonna stop myself before I take it to far, even though, I may already have... ) muscles!  Not gonna lie, when I finished freaking out, I just kind of sat there and melted while staring at his picture.  I read his profile and what he is looking for in a girl.  I started nodding my head... this could potentially work.  And then panic hit me... what if he went online and check to see who was viewing his profile.  He would know I had the hots for him!  Oh crap!. (Because that would be horrible if he actually knew, he might avoid me, or even worse.... talk to me!)  So I quickly moved on to the next profile.  But, if you know me, you know that I went back  on several more times that day and for the next few days after that, to see if he had gone online.  He hadn't.  So good,  I can continue to stare at him while at the gym without him knowing.

I know some of you are wanting to know why I didn't just contact him on the site and let him know I was interested.... and to that I say,
 "NO WAY!  THAT'S SCARY!"

Eye Candy At The Gym

I find it hard to believe that so far, I have not dedicated a blog post to my gym.
I love my gym!
Everyone who knows me, knows this fact about me. 

When I was married, I use to ask my husband if I could get a membership to the gym, he would say "No, because you will never go."  So, one of the first things I did as soon as my divorce was final, was sign up for a membership.  I have been kicking ass at the gym ever since. 

Along with the amazing health benefits of working out at the gym regularly, there is an added benefit that I love.
MEN
Let me make myself clear.... that is not the reason I go to the gym, it is simply a bonus.

Come on fellow gym goers, admit it.  Whether you are male or female, on the market or not, there is plenty of eye candy at the gym.    So, if staring at a hottie, watching him lift weights across from the treadmills, keeps me distracted while I run that last mile or keeps me on the StairMaster an extra 10 minutes... well, I will take what ever help I can get.

My aunt, told me for a long time that I would start meeting men when I went to the gym.  That is where she met her husband.  So while I have hopes of meeting someone whom I could have a relationship with, or just possibly go on a date with,  I realize how hard that is, since I am still pretty clueless about dating and have no "game" what so ever!  Pretty much, all I have going for me, is hoping that, dorky = cute enough to spark interest.

About 10 months ago, I was working out with my friend, Kick (short for Kickbuttski, cause she kicks serious butt!)  I kept catching this guy staring at me.  I asked Kick if it was just me, or was he staring at me.  She watched for awhile and agreed with me.  I thought, that it could be that while Kick and I worked out, we had so much fun together, that we laughed the whole time we worked out.  (And those who have heard me laugh, know that I have a loud laugh.)   But the thing is, I would catch him looking at me even when I was at the gym by myself.  It kind of bugged me... why was this dude looking at me.  Kick and I came up with the nickname, The Stalker, for him.  A few months go by and everything stays the same, except, Kick got really sick and I was left at the gym without my sidekick.

Working out alone got really boring, but I still had some eye candy, at least.  One day, about 5 months ago, I was running on the treadmill, and I spy, The Stalker.  He was wearing a different shirt than usual.  Usually, he wears a dark colored T-shirt.  But that day, he had on a fitted, light gray men's athletic shirt.  He chest was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!  I found myself not being able to look away.  My eyes were locked on him.  Even when he would turn and look at me, I couldn't look away.  It had to be obvious that I was gawking at him.  I do believe that the temperature shot up in the gym by like 20 degrees.  My hormones went into overdrive and I had to control my thoughts... (who am I kidding, my mind totally ran with that fantasy.)  Right then and there, I changed his name.  It became, Big Chest.  That day, the roles reversed, I became the one who always gets caught looking at him.  Only, the sad thing is, I haven't seen him in about 2 months. A girl from the gym told me where he usually hangs out on Saturday nights, but I am to chicken to go there.  What if I see him... then what?  I'm sure I would just turn around and walk right back out the door.

I do have another crush that goes to my gym.  I first noticed him about 7 or 8 months ago.  One of the things that stood out to me, was his blue eyes.  And so, his name became, Blue Eyes.  I would see him, not just st the gym, but all over town.  I would see him at my produce co-op, driving in the grocery store parking lot, and driving on one of the major roads near my house.   I swear I was not stalking him, even though some of my friends like to say that I was.  It's not my fault that he has a car that is impossible to miss. 

(And I will say one more thing, about not being a stalker
-I have never tied up anyone to a chair.  With Duct tape. Without his consent first.
  WHATEVER! HE LIKED IT!
And that's all I will say about that...)

Back to Blue Eyes, so I have been checking him out and crushing on him for sometime now.  My hopes sunk one day a few months ago when I saw him working out with some lady.  I thought maybe it was his girlfriend, (he doesn't wear a ring, but then, who does?)  I watched the dynamic between the 2 of them and I just didn't notice any kind of chemistry.  A few weeks later, I see the lady walk in with another lady that I am friendly with.  The next day, I went up to her (the one I'm friendly with,) and said, "So, yesterday, you walked in with a lady that had blond hair.  She usually works out with some guy..)  When I said, some guy, a HUGE goofy smile spread across my face and she new right away what I was getting at.  She immediately told me that the blond girl and Blue Eyes were brother and sister.  He is her neighbor.  She agreed with me, that he is a total hottie.  And she offered up tons of details about him.  The most important one, he is single! 

For those of you who know the Law of Attraction, I know you will understand why this next part is normal, and for those of you who don't know and understand this law, you will just think I am weird. 

I would love to talk to Blue Eyes.  Just get to know him at least.  I would love to just be able to say "Hi"  when I see him around, like I do to EVERYONE else!  But the problem is, when I am extremely attracted to someone, I get really awkward. 
My solution, I have begun to visualize myself having a conversation with him.  It started out very general, but it gets much more detailed the longer I visualize it.  The other night, I visualized myself on the StairMaster, and he comes and gets on the one next to me.  I turn his direction, nod and smile and the conversation begins to flow.  The very next day, I got on the StairMaster, after only 2 minutes, I am sweating like crazy!  The sweat is dripping off my arms, and making splashing sounds as it hits the stairs.  Beads of sweat are dripping off my nose, onto my mouth.  Salty- nastiness.  Sweat is running into my eyes, making them burn so bad I want to scream.  At 3 minutes, I kid you not, I see him walking my way.  He climbs on the one next to me!   This has never happened before.  What ran through my head at that moment went something like this, "NOOOOO!  NOT NOW!  THIS ISN'T HOW THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN!  OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!  Why isn't he sweating?  I can't smile at him, my face is all wet.  How am I suppose to have a conversation with him, I can't even breathe!!!!!!!"   I stayed on until he got off and walked out of the gym.  My heart sunk.  I blew it. 
I visualized it again, last night in fact.  Only this time, I visualized myself at a lower level on StairMaster so I wouldn't get so sweaty.  Once again, I visualized myself smiling and having a conversation with him.
This morning, I went to the gym.  As I was finishing my run, Blue Eyes walked in.  My heart started to race, oh wait, it already was.  I tried to play it cool, but I pretty much suck at that.  I made my rounds and then it was time for the StairMaster of death.  He usually ends his workout on the elliptical, (ya I know his routine, so what!) so I was thinking there was no way he would get on the stairs again.  But guess what, HE DID!  This time, I was going slower, but I had already been on it for 7 minutes and so yes, I was all sweaty again.  I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't do it.

Tonight, and from now on, I will visualize running into him somewhere other than the gym, where I am not sweaty.  Maybe I could crash into him at the grocery store with my shopping cart.  Or, (I like this one better) "accidentally" trip and fall into him, having to grab his firm, hard bicep to keep myself from falling. 

I can't wait to get this one started.

My Most Hot And Steamy Post Ever

I can't believe that the end of Febuary was the last time I posted.  But, I have an excuse... I haven't had "real" internet for a few months.  That issue is now taken care of, so now I can update you on my HOT and STEAMY love life.

 Wow, this will be my shortest post ever.

Pondering The Mile Markers

As the month of March is almost here, there are a lot of mile markers that are headed my way.  I have been pondering them and how I will respond as each one passes.

The first one that has actually already passed was Valentine's Day.  

Feb 14, 2006 - "If you want that trash can, you can have it for your Valentine's gift." - said my now ex.  That was the last time I ever received a "gift" for Valentine's.
Feb 14, 2010- My ex and I went out to dinner.  It was nothing short of awkward.  We didn't really have anything to say to one another.  We went home after dinner, I watched TV, he played xbox. 
Feb 14, 2011- I cried.  I didn't know how I was going to go on living.  I wanted to die.   He was having sex with another woman and still refused to file for divorce. 

For awhile, I thought this year was going to be hard.  But it wasn't at all.  For the first time in years, I didn't have someone to disappoint me, so I had no expectations. 

I won't lie, I have downplayed Valentine's Day for most of my life.  I always acted like it wasn't important to me, when deep down, I was always hoping that someone would plan that fairytale romantic date.  But I guess I did it to myself.  Anyone who has read The Secret knows this.  For some stupid reason, I never felt deserving of a man who would romance me, so ultimately, I acted like I didn't care about it so that I would never be disappointed when I didn't receive any.

That will not happen again.
I AM worthy of a man who adores me.  I AM worthy of a man who will take me on weekend trips, or overnight to a hotel.  I am not a fan of roses (everybody gets roses), but I am worthy of a man who randomly picks up flowers, just because he thinks I deserve them.  And for sure, I am worthy of a man who wants to have sex with me and ONLY me.

Speaking of.....The next mile marker...SEX
March 6, 2010 -  the last time I had sex.  It was horrible.  Even got in a fight in the middle of it.

2 years... ugh!  Back in 2005, we went 7 months without sex.  I thought THAT was a long time.  How am I handling this... well, I am in my 30's.  That is when women hit their sexual peak.  Not gonna lie... I'm going crazy!  And to all the non-LDS readers,  I know what you are probably thinking...Yes, I am a grown adult.  Yes, I can do what I want.  And I am.  I still believe in saving sex for marriage, and even if it means, never having sex again, I will continue to wait until I am married. 

March 6 falls on a Tuesday this year.  I will go to the gym, run 5 miles, drool over the guy at the gym with brown hair, blue eyes and tons of tattoos, and then go home and take a cold shower.

Next mile marker,
March 17, 2011- I went to the Flogging Molly concert.  Doesn't seem like much to other people, but to me, it was a big deal.  I was finally doing something for me.  Something that I loved doing.  Before I was married, I use to go to concerts all the time.  But doing things that I loved doing, all stopped when I got married.  It became about him.  Supporting him and his goals. Going to that concert was like breaking free from what had been holding me down.  I did what I wanted to do for once and it felt great!  And even if the guy who offered to kiss me was drunk and fugly, it still made me feel good that someone offered.  And NO, I didn't kiss him....thanks to my friends.
This year, on St. Patty's Day, well a tradition has been born.  Once again, I will wear my Kiss Me I'm Irish shirt and I will go to the Flogging Molly concert.  And who knows....

Next,
March 23, 2010- the day he said he wanted a divorce.  PANIC!  My world as I knew it ended.  I didn't sleep that night.  I hyperventilated the entire night.
March 23, 2011 -  That's it.  I waited a year.  I gave him a year to change his mind.  I went to counseling for months.  I gave him  more than several opportunities to be forgiven, some of which he asked for.  I lost butt loads of weight (not that that part should have mattered, but it did to me.)  I knew I had done all that I could on my part.  A weight lifted off my shoulders.  I knew, the next day I would call an attorney and I was going to be OK.

And I am OK.  Even though I went through hell,  early on, Heavenly Father had told me, clear as day,   that I was going to be OK.  I was scared at times and because of that, I didn't always have complete faith in the answer I had been given, but I tried to hold on to it, basically because it was all I had to hold on to.

March 23, this year is a Friday.  I have no clue how I will spend it or who I will spend it with, but I'm not scared, or worried, or even sad.  What I am... is excited to see what my future holds for me.

One last thing....
I have been trying to smile at this guy who goes to my gym, but THAT is scary.  One of my guy friends, suggested to me, that I say to him, "My boobs are really heavy, would you help me carry them?"
I mentioned this idea to my friend Jen.  Her response, was first laughter, and then she said, "I can't wait to see who you end up with." 
I feel the same way.

Screw Romeo, I Got Someone Better In Mind

I have to start off first and give some credit to another blogger that I follow, that is in a similar situation as me.  She inspired me to think about the things that I am going to share.  Not sure if she reads my blog, but if she does, she will know I'm referring to her. 

Far to often, when I read the scriptures, I am reading them, just to read them.  Because it is what I have been taught to do.  There are times, when I read them, that I am looking for guidance, but my mind is to busy thinking about the other stresses of life and I just end up skimming over the words and not actually retaining anything, or growing in understanding.  But there are also times, when I read the words on the page, and a verse becomes my answer.  It is like Heavenly Father inspired someone to write those words just for me, because he knew that on that very day, I would pick up my scriptures, and find the answer to my problem, right in front of my face.

My most recent experience like this, happened just yesterday.  And honestly, I have voiced this to Heavenly Father, but not as an actual question. 

I have been constantly pondering, what are the qualities that I truly desire to have in a husband and in a man who is to be the head of my family.

When my divorce was first finalized, I was craving attention and affection so bad, that I didn't really concern myself with spending the time to consider if the guy I was interested in was actually marriage material.  I have had time to think about the things that I truly want and need.  As I was reading my scriptures yesterday, one man stood out to me.

That man is Moroni.                       

In the Book of Mormon, Alma 48:11-13, Mormon describes the kind of man Moroni is.  As I was reading this, a light bulb went off.  This is it.  These are the things that I need to look for in a man that is right for me and my daughters.  I read those verses, again, several times, and KNEW, these are the qualities that need to come first.

Here are the things listed.

Moroni was :

• a strong and mighty man
• a man of perfect understanding
• a man that did not delight in bloodshed
• a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country
• a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God
• a man who did labor exceedingly for the welfare and safety of his people
• a man who was firm in the faith of Christ 

To some, that might seem like an awful tall order, and at one time in my life, I did not believe that I deserved such a man.  Well now I know, I DO.   I believe that if Heavenly Father wants me to look for these qualities in a man, he will lead me to him, or him to me.

There are other qualities that are important to me, like

• a man who makes me laugh
• a man who is comfortable with public affection.  I mean, we don't have to have sex in public, (that is up for discussion though,) but hold will my hand and not be afraid or ashamed to kiss me in front of others. 
•  a man who makes time for family.  It's one thing to say your family is important, it's another to actually show it and live it.

Heavenly Father suggested 7 qualities, and I added 3 additional of my own.  That is 10.  How perfect is that? 
There are other, lesser, qualities that I wouldn't mind, but when I think about it, they all seem like they fit under one of those already listed.

So, while I wait to meet, "MY"  Moroni, I will continue to work on improving myself and making myself the best I can be, so that when we do finally meet, he will see that I have the qualities, that he has been looking for in a woman that he wants for his Mrs. Moroni.