Pondering The Mile Markers

As the month of March is almost here, there are a lot of mile markers that are headed my way.  I have been pondering them and how I will respond as each one passes.

The first one that has actually already passed was Valentine's Day.  

Feb 14, 2006 - "If you want that trash can, you can have it for your Valentine's gift." - said my now ex.  That was the last time I ever received a "gift" for Valentine's.
Feb 14, 2010- My ex and I went out to dinner.  It was nothing short of awkward.  We didn't really have anything to say to one another.  We went home after dinner, I watched TV, he played xbox. 
Feb 14, 2011- I cried.  I didn't know how I was going to go on living.  I wanted to die.   He was having sex with another woman and still refused to file for divorce. 

For awhile, I thought this year was going to be hard.  But it wasn't at all.  For the first time in years, I didn't have someone to disappoint me, so I had no expectations. 

I won't lie, I have downplayed Valentine's Day for most of my life.  I always acted like it wasn't important to me, when deep down, I was always hoping that someone would plan that fairytale romantic date.  But I guess I did it to myself.  Anyone who has read The Secret knows this.  For some stupid reason, I never felt deserving of a man who would romance me, so ultimately, I acted like I didn't care about it so that I would never be disappointed when I didn't receive any.

That will not happen again.
I AM worthy of a man who adores me.  I AM worthy of a man who will take me on weekend trips, or overnight to a hotel.  I am not a fan of roses (everybody gets roses), but I am worthy of a man who randomly picks up flowers, just because he thinks I deserve them.  And for sure, I am worthy of a man who wants to have sex with me and ONLY me.

Speaking of.....The next mile marker...SEX
March 6, 2010 -  the last time I had sex.  It was horrible.  Even got in a fight in the middle of it.

2 years... ugh!  Back in 2005, we went 7 months without sex.  I thought THAT was a long time.  How am I handling this... well, I am in my 30's.  That is when women hit their sexual peak.  Not gonna lie... I'm going crazy!  And to all the non-LDS readers,  I know what you are probably thinking...Yes, I am a grown adult.  Yes, I can do what I want.  And I am.  I still believe in saving sex for marriage, and even if it means, never having sex again, I will continue to wait until I am married. 

March 6 falls on a Tuesday this year.  I will go to the gym, run 5 miles, drool over the guy at the gym with brown hair, blue eyes and tons of tattoos, and then go home and take a cold shower.

Next mile marker,
March 17, 2011- I went to the Flogging Molly concert.  Doesn't seem like much to other people, but to me, it was a big deal.  I was finally doing something for me.  Something that I loved doing.  Before I was married, I use to go to concerts all the time.  But doing things that I loved doing, all stopped when I got married.  It became about him.  Supporting him and his goals. Going to that concert was like breaking free from what had been holding me down.  I did what I wanted to do for once and it felt great!  And even if the guy who offered to kiss me was drunk and fugly, it still made me feel good that someone offered.  And NO, I didn't kiss him....thanks to my friends.
This year, on St. Patty's Day, well a tradition has been born.  Once again, I will wear my Kiss Me I'm Irish shirt and I will go to the Flogging Molly concert.  And who knows....

Next,
March 23, 2010- the day he said he wanted a divorce.  PANIC!  My world as I knew it ended.  I didn't sleep that night.  I hyperventilated the entire night.
March 23, 2011 -  That's it.  I waited a year.  I gave him a year to change his mind.  I went to counseling for months.  I gave him  more than several opportunities to be forgiven, some of which he asked for.  I lost butt loads of weight (not that that part should have mattered, but it did to me.)  I knew I had done all that I could on my part.  A weight lifted off my shoulders.  I knew, the next day I would call an attorney and I was going to be OK.

And I am OK.  Even though I went through hell,  early on, Heavenly Father had told me, clear as day,   that I was going to be OK.  I was scared at times and because of that, I didn't always have complete faith in the answer I had been given, but I tried to hold on to it, basically because it was all I had to hold on to.

March 23, this year is a Friday.  I have no clue how I will spend it or who I will spend it with, but I'm not scared, or worried, or even sad.  What I am... is excited to see what my future holds for me.

One last thing....
I have been trying to smile at this guy who goes to my gym, but THAT is scary.  One of my guy friends, suggested to me, that I say to him, "My boobs are really heavy, would you help me carry them?"
I mentioned this idea to my friend Jen.  Her response, was first laughter, and then she said, "I can't wait to see who you end up with." 
I feel the same way.

Screw Romeo, I Got Someone Better In Mind

I have to start off first and give some credit to another blogger that I follow, that is in a similar situation as me.  She inspired me to think about the things that I am going to share.  Not sure if she reads my blog, but if she does, she will know I'm referring to her. 

Far to often, when I read the scriptures, I am reading them, just to read them.  Because it is what I have been taught to do.  There are times, when I read them, that I am looking for guidance, but my mind is to busy thinking about the other stresses of life and I just end up skimming over the words and not actually retaining anything, or growing in understanding.  But there are also times, when I read the words on the page, and a verse becomes my answer.  It is like Heavenly Father inspired someone to write those words just for me, because he knew that on that very day, I would pick up my scriptures, and find the answer to my problem, right in front of my face.

My most recent experience like this, happened just yesterday.  And honestly, I have voiced this to Heavenly Father, but not as an actual question. 

I have been constantly pondering, what are the qualities that I truly desire to have in a husband and in a man who is to be the head of my family.

When my divorce was first finalized, I was craving attention and affection so bad, that I didn't really concern myself with spending the time to consider if the guy I was interested in was actually marriage material.  I have had time to think about the things that I truly want and need.  As I was reading my scriptures yesterday, one man stood out to me.

That man is Moroni.                       

In the Book of Mormon, Alma 48:11-13, Mormon describes the kind of man Moroni is.  As I was reading this, a light bulb went off.  This is it.  These are the things that I need to look for in a man that is right for me and my daughters.  I read those verses, again, several times, and KNEW, these are the qualities that need to come first.

Here are the things listed.

Moroni was :

• a strong and mighty man
• a man of perfect understanding
• a man that did not delight in bloodshed
• a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country
• a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God
• a man who did labor exceedingly for the welfare and safety of his people
• a man who was firm in the faith of Christ 

To some, that might seem like an awful tall order, and at one time in my life, I did not believe that I deserved such a man.  Well now I know, I DO.   I believe that if Heavenly Father wants me to look for these qualities in a man, he will lead me to him, or him to me.

There are other qualities that are important to me, like

• a man who makes me laugh
• a man who is comfortable with public affection.  I mean, we don't have to have sex in public, (that is up for discussion though,) but hold will my hand and not be afraid or ashamed to kiss me in front of others. 
•  a man who makes time for family.  It's one thing to say your family is important, it's another to actually show it and live it.

Heavenly Father suggested 7 qualities, and I added 3 additional of my own.  That is 10.  How perfect is that? 
There are other, lesser, qualities that I wouldn't mind, but when I think about it, they all seem like they fit under one of those already listed.

So, while I wait to meet, "MY"  Moroni, I will continue to work on improving myself and making myself the best I can be, so that when we do finally meet, he will see that I have the qualities, that he has been looking for in a woman that he wants for his Mrs. Moroni.