Somebody Get Me A Flower, Quick!

I have no patience.  Well, I do, but UGH!!!!  I hate waiting.  I hate not knowing.

  There have been some dates that I haven't blogged about, because well... there really wasn't anything good to share. Then there have been some good dates, but I decided to keep them private to see if anything developed first. 

And then there was my most recent date.  I told him about my blog.  (No, he hasn't read it, don't worry.)  He asked me not to blog about him.  And so, I will respect that.  Wait... I kinda just did.  Oops. 

All I will say about him, was that he was different from anyone I ever dated, and yet, I was totally relaxed and comfortable with him.   It was totally a  spur of the moment  and impromptu date and it was so fun!   I felt a surge of electricity rush through my body when he touched my arm.  I felt it again when he placed his hand on me to keep me from walking out into traffic.  And  I felt it again when he said "You smell good."   (Why did he walk away so fast after he said that??????)

So now, I wait for him to make contact again... because I don't want to seem pushy and aggressive. 
But what if he is thinking the same thing? 
What if we are BOTH waiting for the other person to make the next move?  UGH!
Or... what if he's just not interested?

Seriously banging my head against the wall!

Tomorrow.  I will make contact tomorrow. Or maybe the day after that.
 Until then, you will know if I've been around if you see flower petals everywhere.

He likes me.
He likes me not.
He likes me.
He likes me not.

This Made My Day, Maybe Even My Year!

Despite what I said in my last post, it does occasionally cross my mind if I should continue to meet people from this site that I have been on.  I have pondered stopping... but I always go back to the fact that I will not meet anyone new by sitting on my butt waiting for Mr. Wonderful to come knock on my door.
Yesterday morning I took my daughters for a hike in the nearby mountains.  When we came home, we were all hot and tired.  I laid down on my couch and grabbed the most recent issue  of the Ensign.  For my non LDS readers, that is a magazine that is put out by the LDS church on a monthly basis that basically shares uplifting messages and words from our prophet.  I started flipping through it, backwards, (I tend to read magazines starting from the back and working my way to the front, weird, I know.)  I read the headings of several articles and nothing jumped out at me as something that I wanted to read at that time.  Maybe I should start from the front, for once.  I opened up to the first article in the magazine and read the title. 

Sharing the Gospel Heart To Heart  It spoke to me.  It was by President Henry B. Eyring, the First Counselor in the First Presidency.

The first line read:
"God will put prepared people in the way of His prepared servants who want to share the gospel."

Right then, my eyes filled with tears and my heart began to burn.  I knew I was meant to read this article.

Another line read "The preparation we need is in our mind and our heart."

I feel that my mind and heart are prepared.  I know what I want, I know what I believe.  I have a firm testimony of my beliefs, which have been tried and tested.  I may not understand everything about the gospel, but no one will ever be able to take away the answers and the blessings that I have received from our Heavenly Father.  That is where my faith comes from.  First hand experience.

So, I believe that answers my question.  And so, for now, I will continue to meet men not of my faith.  I may not meet the man I am going to marry, (or maybe I will) but one thing is for sure... no man I meet is going to say that they didn't know what I stood for and believed in.

Meeting men, not of my faith isn't easy.  Very often, as soon as they find out that I will never be having sex with them,  they make it clear that they no longer want to get to know me.  I try to pretend that doesn't hurt, but it can.  I always let them know there is no hard feelings and wish them luck in finding somebody to spend their life with.   What I don't say, is that I am looking for someone to spend eternity with, not just my life.

 This is not the case with all men though. For example, Cool Rider still wants to get to know me, and jokes with me  that he knows he won't be getting any.   It was honestly flattering, when he found out how very little "action" he would be getting from me and yet he still contacts me.
  And when ****, (the one I met for Dim Sum) was told that sex would never be on the table (or under it...) his reply was, "I'm not looking for sex."
Also, the last man that I dated, respected my belief and never pushed me to have sex.  In fact, I think he had issues that I was willing to kiss him on the first date, had he tried... which he didn't.

The thing that I don't like about dating online and dating in general for that matter, is having to weed through all the crap just to find that one flower.  Yesterday, I had to block someone who wouldn't take NO for an answer.  The last straw came when he sent me a very descriptive email about his intentions.  BLOCKED!

But then there are times, like this morning, when I get an email like this... hold on a minute, I have NEVER got an email like this before.

 I don't say this to everyone and I don't even expect to go out on a date with you, but I would love to share what I see in you, from what I can see in your profile.

There is something magnificent about you. That is the word that springs to mind when I look at you: Magnificent. It is not a word I use to describe many people but you an exceptional case. Your magnificence comes from a look, a style, an energy and demeanor that the great love stories in the history books are written about. A woman that can embody the true characteristics of the female essence can inspire great things in even the simplest of men. Like Helen of Troy whom had a face that could launch a thousand ships, I think you too have a face that could launch a man’s spirit into inspired great things. A woman that knows how to be a woman, a goddess, a queen and lover can move and inspire the world around her as a muse. And when I saw you here, just now, I too felt the effect of greatness surge through me. For the love of a beauty that inspires, men are helpless clay before the potter who spins her craft and molds and shapes the souls of those she applies her hands to. And to the man your love ensnares, he will be putty in your hands… So I challenge you to be brave, confident, and strong, and use that gift of magnificence to shape a world around you. All people are inspired by beauty… all of them. So shine with grace, integrity, love and gentleness. You are a muse… live to inspire so that others may aspire to truly live.

Have a great day,
Daniel

WOW, let me say it again, WOW!

Ask me how good I feel about myself after reading that!

Make it a wonderful day, I know I will!

MY 20 Seconds Of Insnae Courage

This whole being single process still feels so foreign to me, but I am slowly getting use to it.  In the beginning, I felt this urgency to be in a relationship with someone.  I was dying for attention and affection.  But through my experiences over the past year plus, I have grown to become OK with not being married.  Don't get me wrong, I still have the desire to be remarried and have an eternal companion, but I am no longer in a rush to make it happen.  My goal sights have switched focus.  I am now more concerned with continuing to strengthen and better myself and the circumstances of my family.  

That being said, it does NOT mean that I will stop meeting new people or dating.  It is just easier for me to now focus on the fun of new experiences and people, without the stress of wondering if some man is going to love me or not.  Also, the more people (men) I meet, the more I learn about myself and what I need and don't need in a relationship.  I have learned that sometimes what I think I want, is not actually what I need.  I have been able to look at each new experience whether it be one date, or a relationship that formed into a boyfriend/girlfriend status, or anything and everything in between and take something positive away from it.  Here is my latest example of taking something positive out of an experience.

I woke up the other morning to find a text message on my phone, from somebody who had read my blog about Cool Rider.  From what I read into the message and by reading between the lines, this person basically accused me of being a liar, and questioned me on my choice of who I went on a date with.  This person was bothered by the fact that I chose to go on a date with someone who wasn't LDS.  Apparently, this person does not understand the difference between going on A date and being in a committed relationship with someone.
Let me just say this, even if just to hear it myself.  I do not know a single LDS man who wants to date me.  AND just because someone is single and LDS, it does not mean that I should be in a relationship with him.  I will no longer lower my standards and be in a relationship with someone I would not consider being married to.  But, I will never meet someone by sitting at home and hoping he will come magically knocking on my door.  That is why I am willing to meet anyone... given I feel comfortable, and safe.  You never know, what new experience you can have, or who you can meet through other people.  Also, how can I be an example to people around me, if I choose not to associate with people who are not of my faith.  My faith encourages us to live in the world but not of the world.  How can I let my light shine, if I hide it?  I may not be the best example of a Mormon, but I believe I am a dang good example, in that I don't pretend to be perfect and I am willing to own up to it and admit when I have made a mistake and am willing to do what I need to do to make things right.

Whoa... that was a mouthful, and I haven't even gotten to the fun part of the story yet.

Back to being accused and questioned on my judgement.  I wanted to call and speak to this person and have my point of view be understood, but it caused so much contention in me that I felt the need to burn off most of my anger before having this discussion, to ensure that I wouldn't say something out of anger.  I got to the gym and had just gotten ready to start my workout, when my phone rang.  Apparently, this person didn't think a text was enough and wanted to deal with this matter right away.  I stepped outside and dealt with the the issue, but when the conversation was over, still feel like that person had made up their mind about me.  I cannot force someone to believe something that they don't want to.

I went back into the gym and had an amazing run from the adrenalin pumping through my system.  Now, here comes the fun part, and I attribute what happened next, to the adrenalin.

Remember Big Chest?  Well, he was there.  I thought to myself, I should write a note, and leave it on his car.  In fact, I have had this thought, many times.  I thought to myself, I should just write a note, and then, I can save it in my car for sometime when I am feeling braver.  So, I walked over to the front desk, snatched a pen and an ad for boot camp , and wrote a note.  I headed to my car, note in hand, and realized, I wasn't even nervous.  I sat in my car and reread the note.  I didn't like it.  I started searching my car for paper and never before have I been furious with myself for cleaning out my car.  At that moment, I was.  I considered going back in the gym and grabbing another boot camp ad, but what if he left the gym while I was doing that.  I wasn't about to waste this 20 seconds of insane courage I was having.  (Greatest lesson I have ever learned from a movie...)
I opened my glove compartment and ripped a out page from the owners manual of my car, (like I'm ever gonna use that...) and rewrote the note so it was less dorky.  It read:

Not sure how to say this without it being awkward, so I will just say it.
I have had a crush on you for a hella long time.
I would love the chance to get to know you.  If you want, give me a call.
555-555-1234
Jamie
Sorry I am too much of a scaredy cat to approach you in person.

I did say... less dorky, the first one was even worse,  I can't help it... I can't keep the dork restrained for too long or else it busts it's way out with a vengeance eventually.  So I try to let it leak out in tiny amounts.

Next, I drove my car  and parked it right in front of his.  I looked at the gym doors to make sure he wasn't coming out yet.  Still, not even the least bit nervous.  I opened my door, and got out.  I told myself, "You don't have to do this."  But my body disagreed.  It moved forward without thought or care as I lifted his windshield wiper and placed the note under.  Still not nervous.  Wow, I did it.  I felt ... strong.  I could do anything!  I got back in my car, pulled away, and then it hit!  My heart started racing.  I started to hyperventilate a bit and started screaming "OH $#!+"  over and over again.
I tried to calm my breathing, but I was soooo not in control.  I probably should have pulled over, but I had to get away as fast as I could! 
When I got home, I had calmed down a bit, but my stomach was going crazy.  I think I managed to force some food down.

The text from him came about an hour after I placed the note on his car.  It read:

Hey, this is Big Chest, found your note on my car.  Do you have a picture I could see so I can figure out who you are?

I was glad he sent a text instead of calling.  But I really hate sending pictures of myself.  I waited half an hour to respond.

I'm sure you know who I am.  I'm pretty sure you catch me checking you out all the time.

BC - I don't know, I'm kinda oblivious to things going on around me.  A picture would really help.

Me - I seriously hate sending pictures of myself... feels so cheesy... but I get it.

Then I sent the cutest picture of me I could find.

I put my phone down, and waited for a response.  10 minutes go by.  20, 30.  1 hour.  2 hours. 3 hours.  3 freaking hours and the man still hasn't responded!  I know everyone has there views on what they find attractive, and I may not be his type.  Which is perfectly fine.  I'm not hurt if someone isn't attracted to me.  But COME ON!  At least send a response.  Lie to me, if you are worried about how it will be taken.  He could have said, "You're not my type."  "I'm not interested."  "I have a girlfriend."   Really, anything would have been better than no response.  That leads me to believe that he was washing his eyes out with soap after seeing my picture.  Now, I could understand that if I had sent a topless one, THAT would leave someone scarred for life.  But it wasn't.  It was just me and my cheesy grin.
My friend pointed out, that there was a chance that he didn't get the pic.  So, I sent a message that said:
Was my picture really that hideous that you couldn't even come up with a fake excuse?

And still, no reply.

I am not hurt.  I am not mad.  Slightly confused at how he wouldn't even come up with an excuse.  This is what I am choosing to believe happened.:
While he was texting me, he was sitting on the crapper.  When he got my picture, he was so excited that it was me, (the girl he'd been dreaming of all this time) that he dropped his phone into the toilet.  His phone is now ruined.  He had already tossed the note with my number in the trash when he was out and about.  He has been in bed, miserable, trying to figure out what he will say when he sees me, because he is too ashamed to admit he dropped is phone in a toilet full of poop.

What I have learned from this experience-
REJECTION WILL NOT KILL ME.   It only gives me good blog material!

My Very Own Cool Rider

Ever since I saw Grease 2, when I was a kid, I have always dreamed of one day having my very own "cool rider".  And yes, I dreamed of riding off into the sunset on the back of my cool rider's bike.
So you better believe when Cool Rider asked me if I wanted to meet him, go for a sunset Harley ride, and out to dinner, I jumped on that opportunity!

And then it hit me... other than the few brief emails we had sent each other and a few random texts here and there, I had no clue who this cool rider really was.  For all I know, he could ride me out to the middle of the desert, (there's a lot of that here...) hack me up into pieces and bury me, never to be seen again. 

I wasn't dying to meet this guy either.  He came off very cocky and arrogant.  It seemed like he just assumed that I had to get a piece of him.  I got the impression that he could date whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted.  He would address me as, Peaches or Pookie or other lame pet names.  Not really my type of guy.  BUT, and that's a big but, I really, really, wanted to go for a ride on a motorcycle. I had only been on one, one time before.  It was a crotch rocket and the ride lasted all of 5 minutes while I held on to my friends husband for dear life.  Not really what I had envisioned. 

Silly girl with a dream of being someone's biker babe, ya, that's me.

The terms on which I had agreed to this date, included me meeting him at his house, which was a hour and 20 minutes away.  Which, I know, sounds horrible,  that if I wanted to date him, I had to drive to him.  But there was a reason for this, and I will get to that in a second.

I went to bed that night, having visions of me doing motorcycles acrobat moves.  If you want further explanation of that, you will have to talk to me in person, mostly so I can demonstrate for you.  (Oh the things that happen in my head....)

I woke up the next morning and realized, that I had some issues that I wanted to discuss with him before I met him.  The text I sent him read like this:

Hey Mr. Sweet Cheeks,
after much thought, this is what I have come up with.
First, being that I don't know you from Adam, as cute as you appear to be, I am not comfortable meeting you at your house.  Second, I am flattered that you want to take me out, but if you really wanted to, you would be willing to meet me on my side of of town or at the very least, in the middle.  Third, going back to the point that I don't know you, and met you online, my friends think it would be totally stupid and irresponsible of me to just hop on a motorcycle with you.  Fourth, I need to make it clear what type of girl I am,  I don't hook-up or kiss on the first date even.  The most action you could expect, would be me holding on to you when we are on your bike...which is pretty clever of you because I will be holding on for my life!  Fifth, if I feel threatened in any way, I will not hesitate to call 911 and swallow my phone so the cops can find me :-)   So, given that information, if you want to cancel, there are no hard feelings.

To which he responded:

Women, sheesh!
Remember that sunset ride I was talking about?  I simply can't drive from work to even the middle and pick you up then get back in time to see it.  You don't know me, and I don't blame you or your friends for being protective but here is the reality... I am the President of  The _________  Club, Pres/CEO of The  _______________, have two younger sisters and a mother which I protect with my life, and have never been physical with a woman. I'm not trying to be selfish in not driving, you have said that you have no problem driving, when we first talked and I assure you, your schedule is more flexible than mine.  It's up to you, but if I can pass a back round check to work with kids, have never done a drug in my life and my only intention is to have you join me for a motorcycle ride where, at best, my back would occasionally press up against your breasts, I would hardly consider myself a threat.  Better chance of you being killed by a falling coconut than me.  All that being said, if you want to go for a night ride, we can meet in the middle.  From my work to my house is 25 minutes, and another 25 minutes to  __________.  So I guess by the time I get off from work, get home, change, jump on the bike, and head to___________, it would be close to 7:00.  The route we are going on is far east of ___________ heading north.

Seems legit. And at leasts he's honest about the whole breast bit.  So I Googled him, and it was all true. I agreed.

Getting ready for my date that day, there was a lot of me singing and dancing like Stephanie from Grease 2.  I wanna C-O-O-L  R-I-D-E-R. 
If you feel the need to sing too, or have no clue what I am talking about, (you are so missing out)
check out this clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYB317pljts
She has the coolest dance moves, and the best thing is, they are ones I can pull off!




When we met, I felt comfortable with him pretty quick.  Super sweet guy, not cocky at all.  I had helmet issues, apparently I have a big head, and had to wear his as opposed to the feminie red one he had for me to wear.  He doesn't wear one usually, so it was fine with him.
 You know how in movies, a gorgeous woman takes off her helmet and she has perfect locks of flowing hair, well, it is so not like that in real life, at all!  Damn Hollywood!

The ride itself was great.  He felt terrible about how hot it was and my head being stuck in that stuffy helmet, so we did stop and wait for the sun to finish setting and for the temp to go down a bit.  We had a good conversation.  I do believe his eyes popped out of his head when I told him I was LDS.   Somewhere during that break from our ride, he said, "I really want to kiss you and I don't know why.  Maybe it's the way you look at me while I talk."   WOOT WOOT!  I have finally mastered one dating skill, I can look men in the eyes! 

Our break probably lasted about 2 hours, it takes forever for it to cool off here, if ever.  We got back on his bike and went for a ride in the mountains/hills.  I was in total heaven.  He took me to a great lookout point, where we could see the entire valley. He pointed out all the different things we could see.  It really was a great spot.  We got off the bike and he came up behind me and put his arms around me, then kissed me on the top of my head.  So sweet.  We stood there for a few minutes, but it felt like an hour.   We were both starving, so we decided to head back to town for dinner.  I turned around to hug him and then it happened, he went in for the kiss!  And guess what , I turned my head.  He apologized, and I thought to myself, "This is totally going to happen anyway, there really is no better spot..." and so, I went in for the kiss.

Ya, he totally called my bluff... even though, I swear, I had not intention of kissing him.

The rest of the date continued to go just as well, and then there was that long, nasty drive home.  Thank goodness for friends who keep late hours so they can talk to me while I drive home.

I can almost guarentee, there will be more dates with Cool Rider.

2 Of My Favorite Things And I Didn't Even Notice

I am a sucker for a guy with a hot voice.  One exciting ( or nerve wracking ) thing about meeting guys from online, is that first phone call, where you get to hear what they sound like.  It has been a deal breaker for me before. There was a guy, last year that I thought, from his pictures was super hot.  I was dying to talk to him.  When I finally talked to him, I wanted to hang up almost immediately.  It was horrible... that may seem shallow, and I'm sorry if it is, but we all have things that either turn us off , or on.  And I don't feel bad about this one either, he was a jerk and would text me asking for pictures of my boobs... so it's better that I wanted nothing to do with him. 

Here's the thing... when I went on a date with ****, (sorry about not giving him a fake name, I forgot to put one in the last  post, and so from this point forward, he will be known as ****.)  I had not talked to him on the phone yet.  All communication had been done via e-mail or text.  When we met for our lunch date, I was so stinking nervous, I didn't pay attention to some  of the things that I normally do.  He talked plenty to me during lunch, but I couldn't tell you what his voice sounded like.  Maybe, part of that was because I couldn't stop staring at his eyes...  (Closing my eyes right now and trying to see them again..... MELTING!)  Almost a week went by, since our date, and we had text each other every day, but still no phone conversation.  Then there was a question that I wanted to ask him, but didn't want to do it over text.  So I called him.  We talked and let me just say, inside I was dying!  How did I spend 3 hours at lunch with this man and not realize how sexy his voice was?  Once again, it had to be the eyes....  Needless to say, if I had it my way, I would get to listen to his voice every night before I went to sleep.  Here's to wishing!

Another thing that I am a sucker for, is a man who smells good.  In high school, I use to borrow my boyfriend's cologne and spray it on my pillow so I could smell it when I went to sleep. Not gonna lie either, recently I have sprayed men's body spray on my pillow so I could have sweet dreams.   I love to bury my face in a man's chest and just leave it there, drinking in the manliness with my nose.  And yes, weird as it may seem,  I love to smell a man's armpits, providing they are clean and B.O. free! 

When my date ended with ****, we gave each other a quick, friendly hug.  It was so quick, (and the whole nervous thingy again, ) that I didn't even notice what he smelled like.  I guess that was a good sign, cause I didn't notice any hideous odors coming from him.... You better believe though, should I be so lucky to get asked out by him again, I'm gonna check. 

No Chicken Feet, This Woman Is Crazy

I was on the way to meet ****, who I met online, for a lunch date.  As I was pumping gas into my car, I looked down at my shirt and noticed a tiny little whole just below the V in the v-neck.  It looked totally tacky.  I had already changed my clothes 5 times, and settled on an outfit I was less than happy with because I wanted to wear a black shirt in case I got a sweaty back or armpits.  Come on, it's August in Arizona and I was way nervous, better to be safe than sorry.  I also noticed tons of blond hair all over my shirt.  My dad had just recently told me that I needed to stop shedding if I ever wanted guys to ask me out on dates, so I got totally self conscience about that too.  I thought to myself, that it was so small he probably wouldn't notice it, but than I realized that he would because he is a man and it was on my chest.  I have learned, no matter how decent a man is, he ALWAYS looks at your chest.  I'm gonna go as far as to say, it's a fact. 

I really wanted to run into a store and and grab a new shirt, but I knew I just didn't have the time.  To make matters worse, I noticed that 2 of my newly painted finger nails were all messed up and I had missed a spot on my knee while shaving.  I was a walking disaster.  After a year, I still really suck at dating. 
There was only one thing that was allowing me to keep it together and not give up hope.  There was going to be no pressure on this date.  That's right, NO PRESSURE!

Prior to the planning of this date, while **** and I were getting to know each other via email and text, it some how came out that I had a blog and what it generally was about.  One night he asked if he could read it.  This is another one of my rules, I don't want guys I am dating or might date reading my blog.  It makes it complicated. I almost always have to take a break from blogging, until that relationship is over.  But once again, how many of my own rules do I break?  I really should stop making rules, they do me no good. 

For whatever reason, I agreed to give him my blog address.  Over the next day or so, he would randomly send me a text, mentioning something in my blog.  From what I could gather, at least he thought I was funny. He did say I was an excellent blogger, which totally made my night.   Then I get a text that says - No matter what happens, I think we would be friends for sure.  not quite sure if I am as open as you though.    OK , so here's the problem that I am NOW having... I mean right NOW as I type this out!  I remember the text message saying something else, and right NOW when I went to copy it down, I realized I had thought it said something else.  At the time, I kept thinking that the text message said, You are way too open for me, but I would still like to be friends.

People!  Do you see the difference?  That would have changed everything!!! The way I acted, what I was wearing, how much cleavage I would have shown....   I am NOW banging my head against the wall (literally) because, I totally made a comment at the end of the date that referred to that text.  NO WONDER HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS CRAZY!!!!!

I'm so flustered about this realization, that I  can't even concentrate and finish typing to blog.  I think this is truly a sign that I should give up dating forever, or just stop talking and pretend to be a mute.... some men like that, right?

After a quick shot of liquid courage, for us LDS folk, that comes in the form Dr. Pepper, I am ready to carry on, even though, much less focused.

Needless to say, after what I THOUGHT the text said, I was shocked when he suggested meeting for Chinese food.  I really thought it was a blow off comment, but alrighty, that just made it less pressure.

I arrived at the restaurant he picked out.  He stepped outside the door and guess what the man was wearing.  I don't even have to tell my loyal blog readers, but for newbies or  band wagoners (either way, you are all welcomed here to mock me and be entertained...)  I will tell you.  A red shirt and thongs!  I thought to myself, I know he didn't wear that red shirt just for me...and dang he looks cute!  His pictures online did not do him justice.  I could tell from his pictures that he was a good looking dude, but he was even better in person. Wahoo!  But then again... what did this matter, I was already under the impression that I was just friend material to him.

Lunch went good... I think.  We had plenty yo talk about.  I was still nervous the whole time, and he commented that he could tell I was nervous.  Damn, I really suck at the part.  He seemed totally relaxed the whole time.  We had Dim Sum, which was interesting, because I had always ordered off a menu before.  I had no idea what we picked, except we both said no to the chicken feet.  One waitress said, "I know what you like.  You like BBQ pork and egg roll, I can tell." and then she laughed at us.   I think she was making fun of us.

During the 3 hours that we sat there talking, I couldn't stop staring at his eyes.  Not to sound old fashioned, but I would seriously describe them as dreamy.  I mentioned to him, not that they were dreamy, sheeesh, but that I liked them.  That's when he said something about my tank top and my eyes.  OH CRAP!  That must mean that he noticed the whole in my shirt.  I told him when, I noticed it, and that I didn't have time to change it.  I told him what I had thought, about hoping he wouldn't notice it, but then realizing, he is a man and of course he would look at my chest.... that's what men do.  I think he laughed, or smiled, I don't remember.  Half an hour later, he said, "I still don't see the hole."  See!  That's what men do.

I always manage to make an ass out of myself and say something dumb, or stick my foot in my mouth.  As we were walking out, I handed him a stick of gum.  He said, "My breath must really stink."  And like a dork, I responded, "I don't know, I wasn't going to try to kiss you."  What?   Who says that?   Why would I say that?  Really, I should just be mute on dates.  And to make it worse, as he walked me to the car, I thanked him for lunch and said , "You made it easy by taking the pressure off when you said that I was way too open for you but you still  would like to be friends."
And as I mentioned before, he got this look on his face, which at the time, I thought he was thinking something completely different, but now, I know was thinking,
"This woman is crazy!"

Eww! And Gross!

If you are in the market to date, and have the opportunity to meet people and go on dates without going online to meet them, I highly recommend you stay clear of online dating sites.  I unfortunately, do not have this luxury.  So I get to be the guninea pig for for all singles out there who want to know what it's like out there.  And frankly, I have no problem doing it, because it provides me with hilarious stories, even if it is at my own expense.

I have encountered so many different types of people online.  Some turn out to be people that will be life long friends. Some I end up dating.  Some I go on one date, and we know we are not compatible, but know someone who might be good for the other.  There are some that I talk to , and eventually change their name in my phone to read, DO NOT ANSWER.  There are about 5 or 6 of those.  There are some, that are ridiculously good looking, but I am not interested in them, because I know that we have nothing in common, and they are outright shocked when they ask me out and I turn them down.  Those ones refuse to take no for an answer.  Then there are the ones that make me want to quit online dating... and I have several times.  (But I always seem to find my way back.)

Charlie, is an example of someone really good looking but we have nada, zip, zero in common.

Charlie's first email to me read this... and ONLY this.

When are we going out?

To which I responded: I don't know you, I'm not just gonna go out with you.

C: Sooooo, give me your number and we can text.
Me: I don't know you.  I'm not giving you my number.  Plus, I don't want you sending me dirty pictures.
C: I'm not that kind of guy.... unless you want me to be.  Sooo, you ever go out to dance?

I stopped responding at that point.
Next day-
C:  Can we go out Wednesday?
Me: I am the mother of 3, I cannot go out on a Wednesday.  My kids need help with their homework.
C:  Help, then when can we go out?
Me: Where would we go? What would we do?
C: We could go to a bar in Scottsdale.
Me:  I don't drink, so a bar would be bad.

By now you would think he would get the hint.  There is no way I am his type!  I don't dance, I don't drink, I am a mom, And lastly... I don't go to Scottsdale.  For people who don't live in Arizona, Scottsdale is known here as Snottsdale, or Snobsdale... or Douchbagville, as I like to call it.

So, he stopped responding, or so I thought until I got an email from him the next morning.

C:  Well then, you choose.  Where do you want to go?

I have not responded yet.  I don't want to be mean, he hasn't been rude and frankly it has been flattering, which is why I haven't blocked him yet.

So here's the fun part.  I want your help.  What should my next response to him be?  Leave it in the comment section, or for those of you who can't, (I have had people mention they couldn't)  you can send me private message on Facebook. I will post the best responses and then choose one.


I do need to share one example of why people may not want to try online dating. 
Warning - If you do not watch rated R movies, you may not want to continue reading, so stop now. 

For those of you still reading, shhhhhhhh, don't tell the others, but you are my favorites!

I was online, my first 5 minutes after creating a profile on a new site.  A chat window pops up and reads, "Blah blah blah wants to chat with you."  Then you can click - yes or no.  Something told me no, but I ignored it.  My bad.  I opened the chat window and it read, "You are sexy and beautiful, can I cum on the webcam for you?"   AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  NOOOOO!  I didn't even respond, I just shut the window and blocked that user from ever contacting me again. 

Annnndddd, I'm just gonna leave you with that thought.  Have a happy day!

I Swear I Am Not A Stalker

I have a bunch of random tid bits to share and post, but I don't think they all fit in the same post.  If I did,   it would turn into a long, drawn out post that jumped all over the place.. and I would never do that, right? (wink, wink)

I'm just gonna jump right in to one that might be the freshest in your minds... Blue Eyes.

I joined, not one , but two new  (new to me) online dating sites.  Yes, I broke my own rules once again, and ya, I apparently love torture.  (No, not the kinky kind.... well, maybe, but I'm not gonna talk about that know.) 

I was browsing through the local goods, (and yes I did just objectify men, why not? They do it to us all the time.)   and who appears before my very eyes , but Blue Eyes himself! I started freaking out and I'm sure I probably squealed out loud.

Let me just say, to all you who love to accuse me of being a stalker, I have gotten rid of all the ropes and chains in my house and it is not my fault that he is on this site in a glorious tight, white wife beater tank top that shows his firm, luscious, smooth, strong, bulging... (ok, gonna stop myself before I take it to far, even though, I may already have... ) muscles!  Not gonna lie, when I finished freaking out, I just kind of sat there and melted while staring at his picture.  I read his profile and what he is looking for in a girl.  I started nodding my head... this could potentially work.  And then panic hit me... what if he went online and check to see who was viewing his profile.  He would know I had the hots for him!  Oh crap!. (Because that would be horrible if he actually knew, he might avoid me, or even worse.... talk to me!)  So I quickly moved on to the next profile.  But, if you know me, you know that I went back  on several more times that day and for the next few days after that, to see if he had gone online.  He hadn't.  So good,  I can continue to stare at him while at the gym without him knowing.

I know some of you are wanting to know why I didn't just contact him on the site and let him know I was interested.... and to that I say,
 "NO WAY!  THAT'S SCARY!"

Eye Candy At The Gym

I find it hard to believe that so far, I have not dedicated a blog post to my gym.
I love my gym!
Everyone who knows me, knows this fact about me. 

When I was married, I use to ask my husband if I could get a membership to the gym, he would say "No, because you will never go."  So, one of the first things I did as soon as my divorce was final, was sign up for a membership.  I have been kicking ass at the gym ever since. 

Along with the amazing health benefits of working out at the gym regularly, there is an added benefit that I love.
MEN
Let me make myself clear.... that is not the reason I go to the gym, it is simply a bonus.

Come on fellow gym goers, admit it.  Whether you are male or female, on the market or not, there is plenty of eye candy at the gym.    So, if staring at a hottie, watching him lift weights across from the treadmills, keeps me distracted while I run that last mile or keeps me on the StairMaster an extra 10 minutes... well, I will take what ever help I can get.

My aunt, told me for a long time that I would start meeting men when I went to the gym.  That is where she met her husband.  So while I have hopes of meeting someone whom I could have a relationship with, or just possibly go on a date with,  I realize how hard that is, since I am still pretty clueless about dating and have no "game" what so ever!  Pretty much, all I have going for me, is hoping that, dorky = cute enough to spark interest.

About 10 months ago, I was working out with my friend, Kick (short for Kickbuttski, cause she kicks serious butt!)  I kept catching this guy staring at me.  I asked Kick if it was just me, or was he staring at me.  She watched for awhile and agreed with me.  I thought, that it could be that while Kick and I worked out, we had so much fun together, that we laughed the whole time we worked out.  (And those who have heard me laugh, know that I have a loud laugh.)   But the thing is, I would catch him looking at me even when I was at the gym by myself.  It kind of bugged me... why was this dude looking at me.  Kick and I came up with the nickname, The Stalker, for him.  A few months go by and everything stays the same, except, Kick got really sick and I was left at the gym without my sidekick.

Working out alone got really boring, but I still had some eye candy, at least.  One day, about 5 months ago, I was running on the treadmill, and I spy, The Stalker.  He was wearing a different shirt than usual.  Usually, he wears a dark colored T-shirt.  But that day, he had on a fitted, light gray men's athletic shirt.  He chest was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!  I found myself not being able to look away.  My eyes were locked on him.  Even when he would turn and look at me, I couldn't look away.  It had to be obvious that I was gawking at him.  I do believe that the temperature shot up in the gym by like 20 degrees.  My hormones went into overdrive and I had to control my thoughts... (who am I kidding, my mind totally ran with that fantasy.)  Right then and there, I changed his name.  It became, Big Chest.  That day, the roles reversed, I became the one who always gets caught looking at him.  Only, the sad thing is, I haven't seen him in about 2 months. A girl from the gym told me where he usually hangs out on Saturday nights, but I am to chicken to go there.  What if I see him... then what?  I'm sure I would just turn around and walk right back out the door.

I do have another crush that goes to my gym.  I first noticed him about 7 or 8 months ago.  One of the things that stood out to me, was his blue eyes.  And so, his name became, Blue Eyes.  I would see him, not just st the gym, but all over town.  I would see him at my produce co-op, driving in the grocery store parking lot, and driving on one of the major roads near my house.   I swear I was not stalking him, even though some of my friends like to say that I was.  It's not my fault that he has a car that is impossible to miss. 

(And I will say one more thing, about not being a stalker
-I have never tied up anyone to a chair.  With Duct tape. Without his consent first.
  WHATEVER! HE LIKED IT!
And that's all I will say about that...)

Back to Blue Eyes, so I have been checking him out and crushing on him for sometime now.  My hopes sunk one day a few months ago when I saw him working out with some lady.  I thought maybe it was his girlfriend, (he doesn't wear a ring, but then, who does?)  I watched the dynamic between the 2 of them and I just didn't notice any kind of chemistry.  A few weeks later, I see the lady walk in with another lady that I am friendly with.  The next day, I went up to her (the one I'm friendly with,) and said, "So, yesterday, you walked in with a lady that had blond hair.  She usually works out with some guy..)  When I said, some guy, a HUGE goofy smile spread across my face and she new right away what I was getting at.  She immediately told me that the blond girl and Blue Eyes were brother and sister.  He is her neighbor.  She agreed with me, that he is a total hottie.  And she offered up tons of details about him.  The most important one, he is single! 

For those of you who know the Law of Attraction, I know you will understand why this next part is normal, and for those of you who don't know and understand this law, you will just think I am weird. 

I would love to talk to Blue Eyes.  Just get to know him at least.  I would love to just be able to say "Hi"  when I see him around, like I do to EVERYONE else!  But the problem is, when I am extremely attracted to someone, I get really awkward. 
My solution, I have begun to visualize myself having a conversation with him.  It started out very general, but it gets much more detailed the longer I visualize it.  The other night, I visualized myself on the StairMaster, and he comes and gets on the one next to me.  I turn his direction, nod and smile and the conversation begins to flow.  The very next day, I got on the StairMaster, after only 2 minutes, I am sweating like crazy!  The sweat is dripping off my arms, and making splashing sounds as it hits the stairs.  Beads of sweat are dripping off my nose, onto my mouth.  Salty- nastiness.  Sweat is running into my eyes, making them burn so bad I want to scream.  At 3 minutes, I kid you not, I see him walking my way.  He climbs on the one next to me!   This has never happened before.  What ran through my head at that moment went something like this, "NOOOOO!  NOT NOW!  THIS ISN'T HOW THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN!  OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!  Why isn't he sweating?  I can't smile at him, my face is all wet.  How am I suppose to have a conversation with him, I can't even breathe!!!!!!!"   I stayed on until he got off and walked out of the gym.  My heart sunk.  I blew it. 
I visualized it again, last night in fact.  Only this time, I visualized myself at a lower level on StairMaster so I wouldn't get so sweaty.  Once again, I visualized myself smiling and having a conversation with him.
This morning, I went to the gym.  As I was finishing my run, Blue Eyes walked in.  My heart started to race, oh wait, it already was.  I tried to play it cool, but I pretty much suck at that.  I made my rounds and then it was time for the StairMaster of death.  He usually ends his workout on the elliptical, (ya I know his routine, so what!) so I was thinking there was no way he would get on the stairs again.  But guess what, HE DID!  This time, I was going slower, but I had already been on it for 7 minutes and so yes, I was all sweaty again.  I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't do it.

Tonight, and from now on, I will visualize running into him somewhere other than the gym, where I am not sweaty.  Maybe I could crash into him at the grocery store with my shopping cart.  Or, (I like this one better) "accidentally" trip and fall into him, having to grab his firm, hard bicep to keep myself from falling. 

I can't wait to get this one started.

My Most Hot And Steamy Post Ever

I can't believe that the end of Febuary was the last time I posted.  But, I have an excuse... I haven't had "real" internet for a few months.  That issue is now taken care of, so now I can update you on my HOT and STEAMY love life.

 Wow, this will be my shortest post ever.

Pondering The Mile Markers

As the month of March is almost here, there are a lot of mile markers that are headed my way.  I have been pondering them and how I will respond as each one passes.

The first one that has actually already passed was Valentine's Day.  

Feb 14, 2006 - "If you want that trash can, you can have it for your Valentine's gift." - said my now ex.  That was the last time I ever received a "gift" for Valentine's.
Feb 14, 2010- My ex and I went out to dinner.  It was nothing short of awkward.  We didn't really have anything to say to one another.  We went home after dinner, I watched TV, he played xbox. 
Feb 14, 2011- I cried.  I didn't know how I was going to go on living.  I wanted to die.   He was having sex with another woman and still refused to file for divorce. 

For awhile, I thought this year was going to be hard.  But it wasn't at all.  For the first time in years, I didn't have someone to disappoint me, so I had no expectations. 

I won't lie, I have downplayed Valentine's Day for most of my life.  I always acted like it wasn't important to me, when deep down, I was always hoping that someone would plan that fairytale romantic date.  But I guess I did it to myself.  Anyone who has read The Secret knows this.  For some stupid reason, I never felt deserving of a man who would romance me, so ultimately, I acted like I didn't care about it so that I would never be disappointed when I didn't receive any.

That will not happen again.
I AM worthy of a man who adores me.  I AM worthy of a man who will take me on weekend trips, or overnight to a hotel.  I am not a fan of roses (everybody gets roses), but I am worthy of a man who randomly picks up flowers, just because he thinks I deserve them.  And for sure, I am worthy of a man who wants to have sex with me and ONLY me.

Speaking of.....The next mile marker...SEX
March 6, 2010 -  the last time I had sex.  It was horrible.  Even got in a fight in the middle of it.

2 years... ugh!  Back in 2005, we went 7 months without sex.  I thought THAT was a long time.  How am I handling this... well, I am in my 30's.  That is when women hit their sexual peak.  Not gonna lie... I'm going crazy!  And to all the non-LDS readers,  I know what you are probably thinking...Yes, I am a grown adult.  Yes, I can do what I want.  And I am.  I still believe in saving sex for marriage, and even if it means, never having sex again, I will continue to wait until I am married. 

March 6 falls on a Tuesday this year.  I will go to the gym, run 5 miles, drool over the guy at the gym with brown hair, blue eyes and tons of tattoos, and then go home and take a cold shower.

Next mile marker,
March 17, 2011- I went to the Flogging Molly concert.  Doesn't seem like much to other people, but to me, it was a big deal.  I was finally doing something for me.  Something that I loved doing.  Before I was married, I use to go to concerts all the time.  But doing things that I loved doing, all stopped when I got married.  It became about him.  Supporting him and his goals. Going to that concert was like breaking free from what had been holding me down.  I did what I wanted to do for once and it felt great!  And even if the guy who offered to kiss me was drunk and fugly, it still made me feel good that someone offered.  And NO, I didn't kiss him....thanks to my friends.
This year, on St. Patty's Day, well a tradition has been born.  Once again, I will wear my Kiss Me I'm Irish shirt and I will go to the Flogging Molly concert.  And who knows....

Next,
March 23, 2010- the day he said he wanted a divorce.  PANIC!  My world as I knew it ended.  I didn't sleep that night.  I hyperventilated the entire night.
March 23, 2011 -  That's it.  I waited a year.  I gave him a year to change his mind.  I went to counseling for months.  I gave him  more than several opportunities to be forgiven, some of which he asked for.  I lost butt loads of weight (not that that part should have mattered, but it did to me.)  I knew I had done all that I could on my part.  A weight lifted off my shoulders.  I knew, the next day I would call an attorney and I was going to be OK.

And I am OK.  Even though I went through hell,  early on, Heavenly Father had told me, clear as day,   that I was going to be OK.  I was scared at times and because of that, I didn't always have complete faith in the answer I had been given, but I tried to hold on to it, basically because it was all I had to hold on to.

March 23, this year is a Friday.  I have no clue how I will spend it or who I will spend it with, but I'm not scared, or worried, or even sad.  What I am... is excited to see what my future holds for me.

One last thing....
I have been trying to smile at this guy who goes to my gym, but THAT is scary.  One of my guy friends, suggested to me, that I say to him, "My boobs are really heavy, would you help me carry them?"
I mentioned this idea to my friend Jen.  Her response, was first laughter, and then she said, "I can't wait to see who you end up with." 
I feel the same way.

Screw Romeo, I Got Someone Better In Mind

I have to start off first and give some credit to another blogger that I follow, that is in a similar situation as me.  She inspired me to think about the things that I am going to share.  Not sure if she reads my blog, but if she does, she will know I'm referring to her. 

Far to often, when I read the scriptures, I am reading them, just to read them.  Because it is what I have been taught to do.  There are times, when I read them, that I am looking for guidance, but my mind is to busy thinking about the other stresses of life and I just end up skimming over the words and not actually retaining anything, or growing in understanding.  But there are also times, when I read the words on the page, and a verse becomes my answer.  It is like Heavenly Father inspired someone to write those words just for me, because he knew that on that very day, I would pick up my scriptures, and find the answer to my problem, right in front of my face.

My most recent experience like this, happened just yesterday.  And honestly, I have voiced this to Heavenly Father, but not as an actual question. 

I have been constantly pondering, what are the qualities that I truly desire to have in a husband and in a man who is to be the head of my family.

When my divorce was first finalized, I was craving attention and affection so bad, that I didn't really concern myself with spending the time to consider if the guy I was interested in was actually marriage material.  I have had time to think about the things that I truly want and need.  As I was reading my scriptures yesterday, one man stood out to me.

That man is Moroni.                       

In the Book of Mormon, Alma 48:11-13, Mormon describes the kind of man Moroni is.  As I was reading this, a light bulb went off.  This is it.  These are the things that I need to look for in a man that is right for me and my daughters.  I read those verses, again, several times, and KNEW, these are the qualities that need to come first.

Here are the things listed.

Moroni was :

• a strong and mighty man
• a man of perfect understanding
• a man that did not delight in bloodshed
• a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country
• a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God
• a man who did labor exceedingly for the welfare and safety of his people
• a man who was firm in the faith of Christ 

To some, that might seem like an awful tall order, and at one time in my life, I did not believe that I deserved such a man.  Well now I know, I DO.   I believe that if Heavenly Father wants me to look for these qualities in a man, he will lead me to him, or him to me.

There are other qualities that are important to me, like

• a man who makes me laugh
• a man who is comfortable with public affection.  I mean, we don't have to have sex in public, (that is up for discussion though,) but hold will my hand and not be afraid or ashamed to kiss me in front of others. 
•  a man who makes time for family.  It's one thing to say your family is important, it's another to actually show it and live it.

Heavenly Father suggested 7 qualities, and I added 3 additional of my own.  That is 10.  How perfect is that? 
There are other, lesser, qualities that I wouldn't mind, but when I think about it, they all seem like they fit under one of those already listed.

So, while I wait to meet, "MY"  Moroni, I will continue to work on improving myself and making myself the best I can be, so that when we do finally meet, he will see that I have the qualities, that he has been looking for in a woman that he wants for his Mrs. Moroni.

It's A Guy Thing

A while back, I was talking to a friend, and I had asked him if he read my blog.  At the time, I was mostly curious to know if he had read it, because, he was the guy that I had met at the grocery with my kids in tow.  His response to me was, "Guys don't read blogs."  I don't believe that to be completely true.  But I think I would change that statement to, MOST  guys don't read blogs.  Or actually I think it is more like, most guys don't read blogs about middle aged divorced women who are back in the dating field, (and keep screwing up.)

But the funny thing is, every once in a while, some guy makes it known to me that they do read it.

I was visiting with a friend tonight, and her husband brought it to my attention that his wife shares EVERYTHING with him.  (I remember those days, laying in bed with my husband, and talking about eveything and everyone.  That one special person, that you could confide everything in.  I do miss that.)  I don't remember excactly what he said, but something about how I was inappropriate or something. 

 I'm sure this was brought on, by the fact that as I was walking into his house, I was mentioning to my other friend, who was with me, that turkeys don't have a penis.  They just have a sperm sack that they rub on the female.  (A fact I just learned around Thanksgiving time, thanks to my friend Aubrey.  She is so smart, that one.)    I swear there was a NON-dirty reason we were having this conversation, but that is another story.   Anyway,  he made a comment about how he read my blog, I think his wife makes him read it, actually, but still, I got a little excited.  Then he started making fun of me, about how I give up online dating and then go back to it.  I told him, I had given it up for good, but still have a few unshared stories that I have saved for when I feel the need to blog, yet have nothing to actually blog about.  Which seems to be the story of my life lately.

After I left, I started to think about some of the absurd things I blog about.   Men who read this, must think I am CRAZY, but let me just say, there are so many woman out there, that think just like me.   I am just willing to admit all the craziness that happens.  Wether, it's my hopes, dreams, fears, doubts, or stupid mistakes, I am willing to share them all.  You get what you see, with me.

Someone once asked me, "What if someone you are dating reads your blog?" 
Well, I guess he would know what he is instore for, and if he can't handle my blog, then he shouldn't date me in the first place.  But let me remind you, I did not blog about the last relationship, while I was in it.

My blog could be very useful to a guy who actually wanted to date me, assuming that there is anyone left who wants to.  If a guy wasn't sure about how to take me, or if certin things were ok to try or do on a date, he could just refer to the blog. 

Here are some examples-

Q:  What should I wear on a date with her?  (And yes, I know some guys who think about this.)
A:  Well, if you want to make me swoon, a comfy red t-shirt, jeans, thongs, and if it's cool out, a hoodie.
             (and when I say thongs, I don't mean the kind that goes up you butt crack, I'm talking between your toes!)
       But, really, anything casual works.  I do love to get dressed up on Sundays, for church, and that's about 
      it.

Q: Would she enjoy ballroom dancing on our date.
A: HELL to the NO!

Q: I know she likes me, should I hold her hand in public?
A: YES!  If you don't want people to know you are dating me, then, don't date me.  Simple.

Q:  I know she likes me and I like her, should I kiss her?
A: What are you waiting for?

Q:  Does this girl know that she offers up TMI?
A:  Yes, I know, and I am almost sorry... but not really.



Oh, one more thing, if you have ever wondered, what happened to the guy that I met in the grocery store, refer back to the first sentence of the blog.

First Things First

I am totally in the mood to blog.

I want to share with you the funniest story about a date that I went on, that went totally wrong...but I can't because, that would  mean that I actually went on a date recently. 

I thought about sharing my first real date, after my divorce was final.  But, nothing funny happened.  It was just a nice date.  And that's all it ended up being, one date.  And that's OK.

I was thinking about sharing my first date with The Chad, or the time The Chad and I took all 7 of our kids out to eat at a restaurant, but my emotions are still to raw.

I would love to tell you about some cute guy that I am emailing and hoping to meet soon, but I am totally over online dating.

I wish I could tell you about the guy that my friend tried to set me up with, but when I contacted him, he never responded.

I was hoping  I could tell you that the guy I hung out with a few weeks ago was an amazing kisser, but he never made a move.

Sadly, I can't tell you that I got kissed  at midnight on New Year's, because the guy who promised he would, showed his true colors and decided instead to let me know that he was hoping to bring in the new year with a good "bang", with someone else.

It would be fun if I could tell you that I had the nerve to ask a crush to be my date at a wedding I just went to, but I'm a chicken.

This is what I can say.

I may not be in a relationship now, but I have these things to look forward to:

• Getting asked out on a date, and remaining calm until I am no longer in contact with that person and then calling my best friends, and screaming with excitement.
•  Getting all excited and nervous, changing my clothes 20 times, while I get ready for that first date.
• Having butterflies all night, wondering if he is going to kiss me, even though I promised myself I wouldn't kiss him on the first date.
• That euphoric feeling  I get when I kiss someone I really like for the first time.
• When the right guy puts his arms around me, I melt my head onto his chest, and then he kisses the top of my head.
• When the man I am dating, holds my hand in public and intoduces me as his girlfriend.
• Introducing him to my friends, and having them smile and give thumbs up when he's not looking.

 I could go on with so many more, but these are just the first steps.  Of course, the time will come when I will say

But, first things first!

2012 - Starting It Off Right

The years 2010, and 2011, had to be the worst years of my life.  My whole world came crashing down around me.  There were moments, that I thought that I wouldn't be able to go on living for another day.

At the same time, I grew (and shrunk, thank heavens!) by leaps and bounds.  I found  a new strength within me that I never knew I had.

I am finally at a point in my life, where I can say that I truly love myself.  I have finally realized that I am an amazing woman.
 I am more comfortable in my skin than I have ever been, well.... with the exception of the 15 or so pounds I have put on over the holidays.  But that doesn't bother me now that much, in fact, I pretty much had a Live It Up! attitude from October on.  I have the knowledge, the means, the desire and most of all the support to get back to my goal weight that I was at during summer.

I have accepted my 'lack of a filter', as one of the things people love about me.  And while at times I try to improve on what flows out my mouth and should get filed as TMI, I really don't give a poop what people think about me.  And even if people don't like my potty humor, or filthy mouth, there seems to be enough other things that they find endearing about me to want to keep me around. 

One thing is for sure, I have no shortage of family and friends who constantly show me they love me and support me.

New Years Eve 2011, pretty much SUCKED BALLS! (Please read that correctly, it was not ME sucking balls.)  Wanting the person who hurt my feelings to know this, I posted it on Facebook. That is not normally how I roll, (with a few exceptions, I don't claim to be perfect by any means).  Within minutes, I had multitudes of friends texting me, with words of encouragement.  The best of all, though, came at 2:18am.  It was a friend sending me a picture text of a mistake she made on Facebook, I think due to the auto correct on her phone.   During the course of our conversation, for whatever random reason, I brought up a story that had us both laughing hysterically.  At least I assume she was...   Let me share it with you.

Go back a few years, to when I actually slept in bed with someone else.  I was in bed next to that guy that I use to be married to, it was the middle of the night.  He was in a dead sleep.  For whatever random reason, I thought to myself, wouldn't it be funny if he farted in his sleep.  Then HE DID!  It was like I commanded him to do it with my mind power! I started laughing, bed shaking laughter!  The kind that hurts, you can't breathe.  It woke him up.  He asked what was so funny... I was laughing so hard, it probably took me 5 minutes to get out what had just occurred.  He did not think this was funny at all.  I tried to stop laughing, but every time I did, I would think about it again, and I would start up all over.  I got kicked out of the room that night.  There were many nights that followed, all I would do, was think about the incident, and BAM, laughing my butt off again.

The point of my story, is this.
 2011 ended really crappy.
2012 began with me laughing .  That is my favorite thing to do.  What better way to start the new year, than with laughter.

So, if you should ever need a good laugh.  Just listen, in the dead of night, for the person sleeping next to you (should you be that lucky), to pass some gas, and I promise, after reading this... you won't be able to not laugh. (Power of suggestion!  It's my mind power!)

I do think I got way off track from where I started to go with this blog... but it just feels like a good place to end.