Glutton For Punishment!

What the hell is wrong with me?  Didn't I just say, that I was never going to another LDS mid-singles dance?

So, I was sitting at home last night by myself, my ex had the kids, and I was bored to death.  I started going stir crazy.  I promised myself that I would never sit at home, on a night my kids are gone.  But, seriously, I had nothing to do, and no one to do anything with.  The thought entered my mind, "Just go to the dance... what's the worst thing that could happen... if it's bad, you can turn around and go home."

So, at 9:45, I threw on some clothes, touched up my make-up and headed out the door.  I got in my car, and started driving down the road, shaking my head at myself as I drove. (That seems to be happening a lot lately!)

An hour later, I pulled into the parking lot.  The parking lot was packed.  I got really excited.  I just knew this was going to be a good one.  I thought to myself... "I am going in. I am going to make friends.  They are going to invite me to go out for pie at Denny's afterward.  I hate pie, but I will go and have fun!"

I walked in, some punk kid was at the door, taking money... well kind of, he just stared at me.  Now, looking back, I know what he was thinking, "Hey sexy lady, you are way too young to be hanging out here, let's bust this joint and go to McDonalds for a happymeal."

I walked into the cultural hall, and glanced around.  HOLY CRAP!  I didn't see anyone there who looked under 50!  The average age had to be 60 plus!  Cotton heads, everywhere! 

THIS IS MY DATING POOL?!!!!  You have got to be kidding me!  Where are all the single LDS men in my age range hiding?  Come out, come out, where ever you are!   I am horny and waiting... oops, did I just say that out loud.  Pretend I didn't just say that!

The scene before my eyes, was nothing short of scary!  It was like the scene in Dirty Dancing, where Baby walks into the room, carrying a watermelon.   Only, it was 70 year olds recreating the dancing parts!

I think I made the same face! 


OK, OK, it wasn't really that bad..... but....


it was crazy awkward!

I took deep breath, and walked through the room, hoping to recognize someone.  Maybe just, maybe, someone I chat with on-line will be there.  As I walked by two older ladies, I heard one whisper to the other, "Poor thing, she must be new on the scene, her boobs are still so perky!"  OK, I didn't really witness that, but in my mind it happened!

I headed into the restroom, this seems to be my "go to" place to calm my nerves and talk myself into things.  I looked in the mirror, yep, still cute... and walked back out.  I walked back through the cultural hall and right out the door and got back in my car.  Guess my little pep talk didn't work.

I sat in the car for 15 minutes, trying to decide what to do, and then, I drove home.  The worse part of it all, at midnight, I went to the drive-thru at Taco Bell and ordered a burrito supreme!

Connect Four ... Not So Hot!

I was counting down the days.  I thought I was going to be so excited to be "free".  D day came.  I went to court, the judge said, "You are now divorced."  I felt a shock wave go through my body, and then I went numb.  I felt tears start to well up in my eyes, but I stopped before they fell.

And then, life went on.

I will not sit at home on the weekend and cry because I am not on a date. (At least that's what I keep telling myself.)  So I decided to go to a church dance for singles from the age of 31-45.  I invited another single lady to go with me, there is NO WAY that I would be able to do this alone.  Then I sent out an e-mail to one of the men that I met online that lives somewhat near me.

I had been emailing *Corey, for about 2 weeks or so.  He contacted me first and his first e-mail totally cracked me up.  It started out like this

Not sure why I am sending you a message yet. You are apparently loud, rambunctious, course mouthed and I wouldn't doubt you being a little unrestrained as well.

Wow... and he could tell all that from my profile.  But yeah... that's me.  So of course I responded to him.  After a few e-mails, I was really starting to be able to tell that he was a genuine nice guy.  Especially, after he called me "young lady", which almost put me off.... almost.

He had mentioned that he hated dancing and going to church dances... I knew this was a shot in the dark, but I asked if he would meet me there anyway.
I was so excited when he said he would go.  He even asked if he could take me out to dinner first.  I explained that I was going with another woman, but I looked forward to meeting him there.

Then I found out that the woman who was going to carpool with me, well, she is 54.  Let me just say... from her pictures, she looks smoking hot!  I hope to look that good when I'm 54.  (I will definitely need that boob job!) 

I started to panic.  I had already made up my mind that I was going to go, there was no changing it now. I was just going to have to do this alone. 

When Saturday came, I turned into a nervous wreck.  I changed my outfit 5 times. Every time I did, I took a picture and sent it to my girlfriend, who would then tell me yes or no.  I swear, it took me over 4 hours to get ready.  I was scared to eat, I didn't want stinky breath, and I was scared not to eat, cause I didn't want stinky breath. 
Finally, I was dressed and ready to go.  I dropped my kiddos off at my friend's house, I looked at her and said "I'm gonna puke."  Of course, she laughed at me, gave me a pep talk and sent me on my way.  My heart raced the whole time I was driving.  It was about a 40 minute drive, but oh hell, it felt like 10 hours.

I had told Corey that I would be there just after 9:00, and I would have been, if I had the right directions.  I don't know what I did wrong, but my directions took me 8 miles or so the wrong way. Knowing me, even if I had the correct directions, I would have still got lost.  I felt terrible.  Here I asked this guy who hates dances to meet me at one, and I was almost an hour late.  Thankfully, I had my own personal navigation system, named Jen, (and she babysits too!)

When I got there and walked in, I could hear that a slow song just started.  I walked past the door to the cultural hall, and I saw Corey walking over to ask someone to dance.  I ran quickly ran to down the hall, to the other side of the building to head to the restroom.  As I rushed past two ladies sitting on the floor, one yelled, "Nice heels!"  Yeah... I did have some killer red pumps on, and they looked pretty freaking hot if I do say so myself.

In the restroom, heart racing, I looked in the mirror and gave myself a pep talk. "You can do this!  You can do this!"  I walked back out, and back to the other side. I passed the "game room".  I peeked in.  Inside, was a handful of men playing Connect Four.  Something is very wrong with this picture!  There was a whole butt load of single woman, out dancing on the floor, and here these men were playing Connect Four!  These are probably the men that still live at home with their mom and their moms push them out the door yelling "Get to that dance and find a woman to marry so I can be a grandma already!", all the while they are crying, "But Mom, I wanna live with you!" 

A guy friend  warned me before hand.  He said , "Don't go!  Don't do it. Do NOT go to a singles dance!  You will want to jump off a building by the time you leave."  I was starting to understand.  I took a deep breath, swallowed my fear, and walked into the cultural hall.  I saw Corey sitting on the stage by himself. I walked over to him and he smiled.  He greeted me with a hug.  HUGE relief, he was even better looking in person then he was in his pictures.

We sat and talked, most of the dance and I was totally OK with that.  When a slow song came on, he asked me to dance. Then when it was over, we went back to the stage and talked some more.  Before hand, we had both agreed that it was totally OK for the other person to dance with other people, but, neither of us did.    He became my security blanket.  If I had actually gone alone and not met him there, I would have left after 5 minutes. 

 I scanned the mini crowd several different times, checking to see if there was anyone who peeked my interest.  I can honestly say that there was no one that I would consider my 'type.'  And in case you don't remember me saying before... I don't really have a 'type'.  So you gotta know the situation is pretty bleak when I can even find someone that fits that!

Corey was really nice.  I think that we both felt that we could be "friends".  And actually, I think he could be kinda perfect for my sister when she comes home from her mission.  That is, if she doesn't mind the age difference.
When we left the dance, Corey had to lead me to the freeway so that I wouldn't get lost... of course.

What I learned...
-I will not meet my future husband at a LDS mid-singles dance.
-Even so, a mid-singles dance is another safe place to meet up with someone I met online.
-A navigation system would be a good investment!
-I am not missing anything, if I stay at home and don't attend another mid-singles dance... EVER!

Sunday Night... Cougar Night

I have no clue it is about Sunday nights... but I have learned, that is where the young, over eager, single male, to put it nicely.... no wait... this is MY blog, I'm gonna say what I am thinking.  Let me try this again...   If you would like to meet a  horny, young male in his early 20's, who will tell you that you are "way hot" and don't care if you are 10 years older... try on-line dating on a Sunday night.  Now... this is NOT what I am looking for, but apparently, they are looking for me... or at least someone they think might be desperate enough to fall for their trap, by flashing those over bleached pearly whites.  I have previously fallen into a few traps.... (remember, I am here to be honest and let you laugh at my mistakes, not be judged)., but I am getting wise to their wiley ways.  Sneaky little critters, I'm on to you! 
The thing that boggles my mind the most is... where do they think they are going with this?  Even if they get to their end goal, which I believe, ultimately, is to get you to send them a topless picture, (don't worry, I have NOT been tricked into this... I ain't sending out topless photo's, (until I get some work done that is, watch your e-mails, I have a settlement coming!) I have had 3 kids.... I do not look like a Victoria Secret model, even though I pay good money for their bras!  These guys would be much better off logging on to some other site, (if ya know what I mean!) if they wanna see "perfect fake" boobs.

Actually, the funny thing is, none of the young ones have ever actually asked for a boob shot... only 1 guy has out right come out and asked for it... that was Campbell!  You remember, the hot 43 year old. 
*Side note* I saw my cousin from Utah 2 weeks ago, she told me she has seen him somewhere before and that he was jerk.  I told her that I figured that out.


I guess there is one thing I should mention...Monday morning, 9:15, it is final.  I am done. (and I don't mean blogging... that's when it should finally get good!)

I Met Him At The Grocery Store...

My friend, Cece lives on the other side of the valley.  That is... the same side of the valley where apparently, all of the single LDS  men live.  I hadn't seen Cece in awhile and decided that it was time to make the trek across the valley to spend a Saturday afternoon with her and let our girls hangout together.

We had planned to meet at a park, but when I got up Saturday morning, it was raining.    I called her and we changed our plans.  She actually needed me to pick her up at her husbands work.  He works at a bank, inside of a grocery store. But, not just any grocery store, it just so happens to be a grocery store just down the road from Brian.  In case ya'll don't remember, Brian, he was the first guy I ever used my "What's the difference between a duck?" line on.  And for the record... I only other used that one more time. ( I'm kind of over it by now.)

The wheels in my head started turning... I really wanted to meet Brian in person.  I didn't really want to meet him with my kids around (HA!  Like I have a choice)  ...... but I REALLY wanted to meet him!  I packed the girls in the car, and climbed in the front seat.  I sat there for a minute... my heart was racing...I took a deep breath and picked up my phone and typed out this text.  "I will be at the Fry's on the corner of Something Dr. and Whatever Blvd in just over an hour."   I looked at it, shook my head at myself, at hit send.  Then I backed out of the driveway and hit the road.  I was only driving for a few minutes when I got a response.  I cannot and will not text and drive, so I picked up the phone and called him.

Brain - I thought you didn't want to meet me yet.
Me- I'm just saying that I will be there in a little bit.  Maybe you could just happen to be there too.

I could tell he was hesitant.  He was right, I had told him that I wasn't ready yo meet him yet, but like I said before, I make rules up all the time, and then I brake them.  After I hung up the phone with him, I still wasn't sure if he was going to show up or not.  My nerves were going crazy.  By this point in time, I had already talked to him on the phone almost everyday for several weeks now.  I felt like I really knew him.  On the phone we had so much chemistry, would it be the same in person?

As I exited the freeway, I could feel my heart rate increase and my stomach start to churn.  I pulled into the parking lot and scanned all the cars, looking for his.  I didn't see it.  My heart sank.  Then as I got my girls out of the car, he sent me a text ."Let me know when you get there."  My heart started racing again.  I sent him back a text and let him know that I was already there.  I started getting all giddy, like a school girl.

We walked into the store, I hustled my girls over to the restroom.  I stood and looked at myself in the mirror.  This was so crazy.  It had been over 14 years since  I had worried about meeting a guy.  What if when he saw me, he was disappointed?  What if we had no chemistry in person.  Holy crap!  I have 3 kids with me.  This is not how this was suppose to happen!  I took a deep breath, fixed my lipstick, and pushed my kids out of the restroom, back into the store.  We walked through the store, my eyes kept scanning, looking for him.  I parked us in front of the door, nearest to the bank where Cece's husband worked.  The next few minutes felt like a hour!

I saw his silhouette in the doorway.  I started grinning from ear to ear.  I walked up to him only to see that he was smiling as big as I was.  For a spilt second, I wasn't sure what to do... then I just reached over and hugged him, and hugged him, and hugged him some more.  CRAP!  What were my kids thinking?  I pulled back and smiled at him again.  There was a moment of awkward silence and then with a sly wink,  we both started talking like we were old friends who hadn't seen one another in a long time.  We chatted for a few minutes, the whole time, I couldn't stop smiling at him.  It was kinda fun, we had this little secret. 

Cece showed up and I introduced her to my "old" friend, (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, she knew better...).  She played along and went to go talk with her husband.  Brian and I chatted for a few more minutes.  When the time came for him to leave, I reached over and hugged him again.  This time even longer then the first.  I just couldn't let go (not that he seemed to mind,)  then the worst thing happened.... my 5 year old said "Is he going to be our new daddy?"  OH CRAP!  "NO, NO, NO!" I said, "This is just a friend."  I was so embarrassed.  I looked at him and he was laughing.  "That's so cool!"  he said.  Wow!  He wasn't even freaked out by that.  There was one last quick hug, and then he left.

What I learned-
-While not the norm, a grocery store might actually be a safe place to meet someone I met online.
-DO NOT bring children along to meet someone for the first time.
-Keep some of the excitement to myself.  To much hugging, and I look like an eager beaver!  Just because I haven't been hugged by a man (family and friends, not included,) in over a year, doesn't mean that I need to make up for lost hugs all at once.