MY 20 Seconds Of Insnae Courage

This whole being single process still feels so foreign to me, but I am slowly getting use to it.  In the beginning, I felt this urgency to be in a relationship with someone.  I was dying for attention and affection.  But through my experiences over the past year plus, I have grown to become OK with not being married.  Don't get me wrong, I still have the desire to be remarried and have an eternal companion, but I am no longer in a rush to make it happen.  My goal sights have switched focus.  I am now more concerned with continuing to strengthen and better myself and the circumstances of my family.  

That being said, it does NOT mean that I will stop meeting new people or dating.  It is just easier for me to now focus on the fun of new experiences and people, without the stress of wondering if some man is going to love me or not.  Also, the more people (men) I meet, the more I learn about myself and what I need and don't need in a relationship.  I have learned that sometimes what I think I want, is not actually what I need.  I have been able to look at each new experience whether it be one date, or a relationship that formed into a boyfriend/girlfriend status, or anything and everything in between and take something positive away from it.  Here is my latest example of taking something positive out of an experience.

I woke up the other morning to find a text message on my phone, from somebody who had read my blog about Cool Rider.  From what I read into the message and by reading between the lines, this person basically accused me of being a liar, and questioned me on my choice of who I went on a date with.  This person was bothered by the fact that I chose to go on a date with someone who wasn't LDS.  Apparently, this person does not understand the difference between going on A date and being in a committed relationship with someone.
Let me just say this, even if just to hear it myself.  I do not know a single LDS man who wants to date me.  AND just because someone is single and LDS, it does not mean that I should be in a relationship with him.  I will no longer lower my standards and be in a relationship with someone I would not consider being married to.  But, I will never meet someone by sitting at home and hoping he will come magically knocking on my door.  That is why I am willing to meet anyone... given I feel comfortable, and safe.  You never know, what new experience you can have, or who you can meet through other people.  Also, how can I be an example to people around me, if I choose not to associate with people who are not of my faith.  My faith encourages us to live in the world but not of the world.  How can I let my light shine, if I hide it?  I may not be the best example of a Mormon, but I believe I am a dang good example, in that I don't pretend to be perfect and I am willing to own up to it and admit when I have made a mistake and am willing to do what I need to do to make things right.

Whoa... that was a mouthful, and I haven't even gotten to the fun part of the story yet.

Back to being accused and questioned on my judgement.  I wanted to call and speak to this person and have my point of view be understood, but it caused so much contention in me that I felt the need to burn off most of my anger before having this discussion, to ensure that I wouldn't say something out of anger.  I got to the gym and had just gotten ready to start my workout, when my phone rang.  Apparently, this person didn't think a text was enough and wanted to deal with this matter right away.  I stepped outside and dealt with the the issue, but when the conversation was over, still feel like that person had made up their mind about me.  I cannot force someone to believe something that they don't want to.

I went back into the gym and had an amazing run from the adrenalin pumping through my system.  Now, here comes the fun part, and I attribute what happened next, to the adrenalin.

Remember Big Chest?  Well, he was there.  I thought to myself, I should write a note, and leave it on his car.  In fact, I have had this thought, many times.  I thought to myself, I should just write a note, and then, I can save it in my car for sometime when I am feeling braver.  So, I walked over to the front desk, snatched a pen and an ad for boot camp , and wrote a note.  I headed to my car, note in hand, and realized, I wasn't even nervous.  I sat in my car and reread the note.  I didn't like it.  I started searching my car for paper and never before have I been furious with myself for cleaning out my car.  At that moment, I was.  I considered going back in the gym and grabbing another boot camp ad, but what if he left the gym while I was doing that.  I wasn't about to waste this 20 seconds of insane courage I was having.  (Greatest lesson I have ever learned from a movie...)
I opened my glove compartment and ripped a out page from the owners manual of my car, (like I'm ever gonna use that...) and rewrote the note so it was less dorky.  It read:

Not sure how to say this without it being awkward, so I will just say it.
I have had a crush on you for a hella long time.
I would love the chance to get to know you.  If you want, give me a call.
555-555-1234
Jamie
Sorry I am too much of a scaredy cat to approach you in person.

I did say... less dorky, the first one was even worse,  I can't help it... I can't keep the dork restrained for too long or else it busts it's way out with a vengeance eventually.  So I try to let it leak out in tiny amounts.

Next, I drove my car  and parked it right in front of his.  I looked at the gym doors to make sure he wasn't coming out yet.  Still, not even the least bit nervous.  I opened my door, and got out.  I told myself, "You don't have to do this."  But my body disagreed.  It moved forward without thought or care as I lifted his windshield wiper and placed the note under.  Still not nervous.  Wow, I did it.  I felt ... strong.  I could do anything!  I got back in my car, pulled away, and then it hit!  My heart started racing.  I started to hyperventilate a bit and started screaming "OH $#!+"  over and over again.
I tried to calm my breathing, but I was soooo not in control.  I probably should have pulled over, but I had to get away as fast as I could! 
When I got home, I had calmed down a bit, but my stomach was going crazy.  I think I managed to force some food down.

The text from him came about an hour after I placed the note on his car.  It read:

Hey, this is Big Chest, found your note on my car.  Do you have a picture I could see so I can figure out who you are?

I was glad he sent a text instead of calling.  But I really hate sending pictures of myself.  I waited half an hour to respond.

I'm sure you know who I am.  I'm pretty sure you catch me checking you out all the time.

BC - I don't know, I'm kinda oblivious to things going on around me.  A picture would really help.

Me - I seriously hate sending pictures of myself... feels so cheesy... but I get it.

Then I sent the cutest picture of me I could find.

I put my phone down, and waited for a response.  10 minutes go by.  20, 30.  1 hour.  2 hours. 3 hours.  3 freaking hours and the man still hasn't responded!  I know everyone has there views on what they find attractive, and I may not be his type.  Which is perfectly fine.  I'm not hurt if someone isn't attracted to me.  But COME ON!  At least send a response.  Lie to me, if you are worried about how it will be taken.  He could have said, "You're not my type."  "I'm not interested."  "I have a girlfriend."   Really, anything would have been better than no response.  That leads me to believe that he was washing his eyes out with soap after seeing my picture.  Now, I could understand that if I had sent a topless one, THAT would leave someone scarred for life.  But it wasn't.  It was just me and my cheesy grin.
My friend pointed out, that there was a chance that he didn't get the pic.  So, I sent a message that said:
Was my picture really that hideous that you couldn't even come up with a fake excuse?

And still, no reply.

I am not hurt.  I am not mad.  Slightly confused at how he wouldn't even come up with an excuse.  This is what I am choosing to believe happened.:
While he was texting me, he was sitting on the crapper.  When he got my picture, he was so excited that it was me, (the girl he'd been dreaming of all this time) that he dropped his phone into the toilet.  His phone is now ruined.  He had already tossed the note with my number in the trash when he was out and about.  He has been in bed, miserable, trying to figure out what he will say when he sees me, because he is too ashamed to admit he dropped is phone in a toilet full of poop.

What I have learned from this experience-
REJECTION WILL NOT KILL ME.   It only gives me good blog material!